


Pinpricks of Light

by noxya



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters: X & Y | Pokemon X & Y Versions
Genre: Disability, Neurodiversity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 09:58:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4096657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxya/pseuds/noxya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kira wants to be — needs to be — a pokemon trainer, but the world isn't built for people like her, and carving out space just to exist in is tough. The world is cruel, if you know where to look. She wants to get through it hurting as few people and pokemon as she can, but she fears that sometimes damage is inevitable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I snuck into the room and chose a seat at the far back. I hung my purse off the back of the chair, set my cane down on the floor, and sat down. My earplugs were in snug, and the room was a just bearable dull roar. The room was packed and it was muggy despite the air conditioning running on full blast. I kept wriggling back and forth in my seat. There were probably twenty-ish other kids in the room with me. Lots of them had managed to drag their parents and older siblings with them, all of them eager to see their child, their sibling, their whatever getting their first pokemon. 

It felt like I didn't belong. I was a rookie, I needed a starter, but I felt like a cheater because I already had my first pokemon. She sat next to me, a pretty Espeon wearing a red vest that marked her as an emotional support pet. According to League rules, that meant she couldn't fight in any trainer battles unless it was life or death, though, and thus I was here. She mewed softly and nuzzled against my hand. I tried to smile back at her, and I pet her. She purred and the jewel on her forehead shone. I tried to relax.

This was the last distribution session of the day. They'd been shuffling kids through here all day, trying to get them registered and out the door. The registration offices were technically open all year, but most of their volume was in the start of winter and summer, as kids decided whether they wanted to go back to another semester of school. During the busy seasons, the Trainer Registration Office in Santalune City set up a second outpost at the trainer's school to deal better with the increased traffic. The building was mostly empty, after all. We were in a classroom. There was a blackboard in the front of the room; the chairs had a metal rack below, and a writing surface bolted on the side, so you had to approach the chair from the side when you wanted to sit down. I felt uncomfortable. The atmosphere made me want to sit down, shut up, and have this be over as quickly as possible, like school always did.

I looked at the clock. It should be starting soon. Five minutes later, an aide stepped up to the front of the room, cleared his throat, and waited until the room quieted down. I half-listened to most of what he had to say. It didn't feel very important, though some of the kids, the younger ones especially, clung to his every word. You're about to receive your first pokemon, blah blah, partner for life, blah blah, huge responsibility. It meant very little since Violet and I had already been together for the past three years. I was just waiting until my name was called so I could get my pokedex and head to the next room for my starter. I tuned out some more until I heard it.

_Do you want me to go with you?_ Violet asked.

I shook my head. _It's okay,_ I thought back at her. _I'll be right back._

Telepathy was weird. I still had no idea how it worked or what it's limits were even after three years of us being together. I wanted to say "and lots of people will probably freak out seeing a pokemon outside of her ball", since most of the room had in fact not noticed us yet. I didn't, because neither of us liked being reminded of how skittish people were around us, but I'm not sure how much bled through our connection.

I grabbed my cane and my purse, stood up awkwardly, and started to walk to the front of the room. There was an open path through the chairs, but it was just narrow enough to make navigating with the cane awkward. I mumbled quiet apologies as I made my way to the aide and I could feel the eyes of the whole room on me. When I got to the front, I showed the aide my ID card and paperwork. There was always that one person that clogged up the line because their paperwork didn't match up perfectly, and as he looked over my documents, I dug my fingernails into my palm, rocked back and forth on my heels, and prayed it wouldn't be me. The aide gave me my ID card back, though, and handed me a pokedex.

"Here you go, miss. Head out the door, take a left, and keep going until you reach the gymnasium. You'll pick your starter there."

I nodded, mouth dry, desperate to be out of the small crowded room. I walked back to my seat, grabbed Violet's leash, and walked with her out the door.

The gymnasium was packed full of pokemon. Little babies of every shape and size and type lay, sat, waddled, and ran through the wide open space. As I entered the room, I heard an aide shout, "Quick, close the door!"

I turned towards the sound and saw a Turtwig running straight at me, presumably trying to escape. I closed the door as soon as Violet was inside, and the Turtwig looked at me with betrayed eyes. The aide walked towards me and picked the little turtle up. "I'm sorry about that, he's been trying to escape all day. Mischievous little thing." I didn't know what to say, so I just watched her walk away and place the Turtwig in a pen nearby, which I assumed was for the more unruly pokemon.

I leaned down and scratched behind Violet's ears. _There are so many. How are we going to pick someone to be with?_

She started to walk towards a cluster of pokemon. _Sit down, and wait, and see who shows up. It worked for us, didn't it?_

I shrugged and made an 'mm' noise. I couldn't argue. I followed her. She chose a spot to sit down that was away from other people and baby pokemon started swarming her. I sat down on the floor next to her. A flare of pain shot up my leg, and it made me cringe. I cursed all the aides for taking the chairs for themselves. Once I sat down, Violet opened a telepathic link with the four or so pokemon swarming us, and I heard a barrage of voices.

_When I grow up, can I be a cute Espeon like you?_

_When are they going to feed us again?_

_Do you want to play fetch?_

_Can you teach me more about telekinesis?_

The voices were almost overwhelming. I started to put my fingers in my ears before I remembered that it obviously wouldn't do anything. The voices were in my head, after all. Violet caught the gesture, though, and poked at the Ralts and the Eevee. _Let's come over to the side and I can answer your questions,_ she said, before closing off my link with them. Two loud, excited voices were a lot easier to deal with than four, though I still felt like I was right on the edge of overstimulation.

I turned to the Torchic first. _I don't know when they're going to feed you, sweetie,_ I said to her, _but I can ask if—_ The words died in my throat as she turned away and left. I was no longer useful to her, I supposed.

_Do you want to play fetch?_ the Lillipup poked my leg with his nose.

_May I scratch behind your ears?_ I asked, and he wagged his tail enthusiastically.

_You can understand me?_ he said as I started to scritch him. I nodded at him and smiled and he wagged his tail faster. _Nobody ever understands us._ He barked a little to attract other pokemon. _She can understand us!_ he said. I was assaulted by voices again, but I tried just to focus on one pokemon at a time. The less things to pay attention to, the less chance of getting overwhelmed again.

After about a minute of playing with him, he asked to play fetch again. _I don't have anything to play fetch with, dear, sorry._

_Okay!_ he licked my hand and went over to a boy on the other side of the room. _Do you want to play fetch?_ I heard one last time before Violet cut off our link.

New pokemon kept coming close to replace the steady flow leaving. I never had more than a few seconds of peace before someone new came and took up my attention. About an hour later, I was no closer to finding a partner. An aide came over to me and offered me a bottle of water. I took it gratefully, took a few sips, then turned back to the Squirtle I'd been talking to.

The aide didn't leave, though. "You're one of the problem children, aren't you?" I turned away from the pokemon and gave him a confused look. I didn't know, was I doing something wrong? "You're not going to leave until you have the perfect pokemon, aren't you?"

"Well, no, I just—"

"A word of advice? There is no perfect pokemon. Just pick one. You'll be okay in the end." he said. I think he thought he was being helpful, but I was just slightly annoyed. I didn't ask for his advice.

"I just want to choose a pokemon that wants to come with me too."

"You'll never be certain they really want to go with you, at the start." I gave him a look and pointed at Violet. "Oh, the Espeon's with you? So that's why you're so popular. Yeah, a psychic pokemon would help with that. Most of us don't have that certainty, though, and we manage just fine. They'll warm up to you in time."

Something in that line of reasoning bugged me, but I couldn't pin down exactly what. I frowned and made an unsatisfied sound.

"Good luck," he said and started to walk away. I turned back to where the Squirtle was and found she'd walked away. I took a sip of water and waited for another pokemon to come up to me.

As more pokemon started to swarm me, I spotted a Cyndaquil at the edge of the crowd. She looked kind of anxious and I didn't know why. I pointed her out to Violet and she opened a telepathic link. _Hello?_ I said.

She flinched and I wanted to apologize. She took a step back and thought very quietly, _Hello._

I absently scritched a Fennekin behind the ears as I talked to her. _I'm sorry. I thought the others would have warned you._ Violet and I had been treated as novelties by most of the pokemon, except for the psychic types. I think it was refreshing to be understood. Communication with pokemon was very one-directional, and I guess that means pokemon get very lonely. _I can stop talking to you if you'd like._

_No!_ she replied almost immediately. _I just... am surprised you wanted to talk to me. May I ask you a question?_ I nodded. _What's it like outside?_

The question struck me off guard. I took a second and then answered, _It's kind of warm, and I'm hoping for rain so some of the humidity clears off—_

_No, I mean... What's the world outside like? There is one, right? There was this Piplup and he was saying that the world outside is a myth and no-one's coming to be with us, and he was lying, right?_

_Yeah. The outside world is... loud and scary sometimes. There are lots of really beautiful places, though. I hear there's a cave where it shines like mirrors, and another one where all you can hear is Zubat flapping their wings and it's almost deafening. There's a giant waterfall where the light splits and you can see a rainbow in the haze. There's also a lot of battles, and a lot of pokemon to grow with and interact._

_A lot of it depends on your trainer, and the people you're with,_ Violet butted in to say. _There is far too much luck involved, but my little dork is alright._

_Can I see it all if I go with you?_ she said. I think she tensed up a little, but it didn't seem like anxiety anymore. Anticipation?

_Give me a second, little Cyndaquil,_ I said.

I looked over at Violet and signed that I wanted a private conversation. _You've obviously been listening. What do you think?_

_She seems shy and hesitant. I don't think she'll be very demanding, and we need that. I've been turning away lots of pokemon for being too excitable. I don't object._

_We've only known her for a few minutes._

_Most trainers know their pokemon for even less before they pick them. Most trainers also don't have the benefit of telepathy._ She gave me a small lick on the cheek. _Also, you're stalling. It doesn't get easier if you try to put off the decision. Make a choice._

I turned to the Cyndaquil again. _Are you sure you actually like us?_

_I can understand you. That's more than most humans. And you seem nice._

I guessed that would have to be good enough for me. This was the problem with picking a starter. Unless you grew up with a pokemon and you knew each other for years, it always comes down to how much chemistry you first have, and how lucky you are. They sell translators at the Pokemon Mart, or at least they do in fancy stores on Vernal Avenue, but they weren't widely in use. I didn't know why. I stowed those thoughts back, though, as I headed over to a table close to the exit, so I could register my choice with the aides.

The Cyndaquil — she really needs a name — and Violet talked while I filled out paperwork. I heard her gush about all the sights we were going to see, and all the different food to eat, and of course it figured that I would choose a pokemon that's sensory seeking. I filled out the form completely, and was given a pokeball. _This is going to feel a little strange,_ Violet said, before I pressed the center button and sucked the Cyndaquil in. I immediately let her back out and she giggled.

_That was such a weird feeling! Could we do it again?_

I picked her up and cradled her in my arms as I walked towards the pokemon center. This was a huge violation of city ordinances, blah blah blah, I couldn't do this ever again, blah blah blah, but the city was busy, and loud, and the sun was starting to set. It was a rush of input and sensation, and I thought the Cyndaquil would enjoy it. I heard her gasp and squee as she took in the sights and I knew I'd made the right call.

_My name is Violet, by the way. The tall thing carrying you is called Kira._ I stuck my tongue out at Violet, who walked next to me. _What's your name?_

_My favorite person at the lab was called Raine. He was nice and gave me lots of pets. Can I be called Raine?_

I giggled a little and pet her softly. _Sure. Raine it is. Welcome to the team._


	2. Chapter 2

Santalune City was full of kids rushing against the gym leader, Viola. Plenty of cocksure kids headed immediately from the registration office, gleaming new pokedex in hand, to the gym. Some of them managed to win, but most got a harsh lesson on not jumping in too quickly. Pokemon do not immediately translate to power, to swiftness, to skill.

I wanted to avoid the gym, to avoid the whole city, until everyone just quieted down. I felt, at times, like I should be shaking my cane at all the whippersnappers, but for gods's sake, I was only 15. I was self-aware enough to know how ridiculous that would be. It was the noise, the crowd, the sun beating down on me; the world was just Too Much and I wanted it to stop.

I was too excited, though, to hide in my room, much as I wanted to. I finally had a pokemon, and I could start challenging gyms and being awesome and whatever else it was trainers did. So every morning I would take breakfast at the pokemon center, hide behind my earplugs and sunglasses to dull the sheer presence of the crowd, and let Violet guide me out of the city toward the grassy, open areas of Route 22.

As soon as we reached the grass, I let Raine out. She giggled every time she left her pokeball. _That's my favorite feeling,_ she said, before she saw a Fletchling and turned to me for approval. I nodded and she started play-chasing it.

_She's so unlike you,_ Violet said, before walking after her. I wanted to think of a response, but couldn't think of what to say, so I just followed them.

Violet called Raine over from her game after a few minutes. We had to be careful around here, and not travel too deep into the route. Pokemon very quickly rose in power levels here — the perils of being next to Victory Road. There were lots of other trainers swarming the route, but with a bit of effort, I could easily find a clearing quiet enough to relax in and train Raine. It probably would have been easier to find solitude and quiet in the forest, and it was full of flammable insects to train against. The buses didn't run as close to the forest, though, so it meant a longer walk. In addition, the uneven terrain and the soft shifting ground made walking with my cane difficult. It was too much pain for not enough reward.

Violet sat at my feet as I pet Raine softly on the head. I tried to think about how to start training for the day. This was our fourth day training, our fifth day together. Our first day I hid from the world after the exertion of being in public, and we got to know each other in our room at the pokemon center. The day after, I found out that the training regimen for prospective starters involved a lot of accuracy and power training. Raine already knew how to send out embers accurately and hit fast-moving targets.

From what Raine said, though, she and the other potential starters hadn't been allowed to battle each other. All her experience was slightly abstract, removed from reality; a small rock flying through the air in a predictable arc is not the same as a Fletchling frantically dodging little bursts of fire in the air. She also had practically no experience fighting with a partner, and we tried to correct that.

_Okay, we should battle,_ I said. _Raine, you and I against Violet._

After Violet became my emotional support pokemon and I became her dedicated companion human, we were given a rulebook. It listed all the things Violet and I were and weren't allowed to do together. We read it cover to cover, multiple times. The rulebook made it clear that Violet was not allowed to battle in any official, legal manner. Nothing, however, said she was forbidden from helping train the rest of the team. It's not like I can make an official battle out of challenging myself, after all.

_Two against one is no fair,_ she said as she got up lazily.

I smiled a little. _You're smarter than both of us. You'll be fine._

_Flattery gets you nowhere,_ she said, as she took a stance in front of us. Raine faced her and the fire on her back grew more intense. I hoped I wouldn't screw this up.

_Okay, same rules as always,_ I said. _No really strong attacks, and we stop once it seems someone has the advantage. This is just to get in the hang of battling and working together._

They both nodded. Violet then disengaged the telepathic link with both of us, so there was no chance of her reading the tactics out of our minds. (I trust her not to abuse it and scan our thoughts, really, but we might as well be safe.) This battle wasn't just training for them. Without the link, this would be a serious test of my reaction times, of how quickly I could process events without Violet there to help, and how quickly I could turn a thought into useful speech. All things I was bad at.

They spent a few seconds sizing each other up. I noticed that slowly, Raine was trying to shorten the distance between them.

"Raine, tackle her!"

I immediately regretted it. Raine couldn't accelerate very fast and there was still too much distance between her and Violet. It gave her plenty of time to prepare. I hesitated for a second or two about whether to tell Raine to stop, indecisive. Violet dodged out of the way and sent a bit of psychic energy at Raine. It hit her in the side and sent her tumbling on the ground.

Violet charged as Raine was starting to pick herself up. Raine was too slow and there was no chance she could get out of the way in time. That meant Violet had to be the one to move.

"Turn to your right and send out some fire. Then get out of there!"

She spewed out a cloud of fire that made Violet swerve out of the way to dodge. With the few seconds she gained, she moved out of the way and put some distance between them.

"Keep sending out fire at her. Keep her moving."

Raine gathered up balls of fire in her mouth and sent them at Violet. Every volley landed right in her path, and she had to turn constantly to avoid them. As more and more of the ground was covered in fire, her routes of exit were slowly closed off and her dodges became sharper, more desperate.

Violet took an extra large jump and landed on the other side of the smoldering ground from us. She faced Raine, dug her forepaws into the ground, and concentrated. Raine took the opportunity to charge up an extra large ball of fire to send at her. I was confused and tried to figure out what was Violet's strategy. Why would she make herself such an easy target?

I saw the gleam of Violet's jewel too late. I wanted to say, "Raine, get out of the way!" but the words died in my mouth as both pokemon attacked at the same time. Raine's volley of fire was contemptuously batted aside by a lance of psychic energy that struck her head on.

As Raine tumbled through the clearing, I looked at Violet. "I give," I said. I went after Raine as quickly as I could, cane and leg pain allowing.

I heard Violet's voice almost immediately in my head. _Good, because I don't think I can manage another of those._ She came towards us, avoiding the huge patch of smoldering grass. The smell was starting to get overpowering. We might need to find a water type to help us extinguish it.

I found Raine under a tree, sat down on the ground next to her, and cradled her in my arms. _You did good, dear._

_I-I'm sorry. I got excited because I thought I could win,_ she said, burying her face into my chest.

_It's okay. You don't have to apologize for being happy. We'll just make sure not to get carried away next time. Right, Violet?_

_Right,_ she said as she nuzzled Raine.

We spent some time laying there, huddled together in the shadow. The fire burned itself out of existence. There was nothing else in the world but us, and we savored it.


	3. Chapter 3

It took about two weeks after Violet and I met Raine before the crowd in Santalune City began to thin out. The frantic traffic of newbie trainers trying to register was slowing down, and the kids who had managed to register were starting to leave. 

A small but significant number of people were moving on to other cities, having managed to beat Viola and get her badge. A larger number of trainers practically disappeared, shocked out of their reveries by a loss (or a string of losses) to Viola, and went off to do some soul-searching. A lot of kids, especially the younger ones, just left to go back home with their parents until they were deemed to be "truly ready" to go out on their journeys. It was technically illegal to stop anyone (for certain values of anyone) from becoming a trainer, but most parents didn't have to try that hard to convince their children; after all, no-one wants to make mommy sad or angry, right?

Anyway. It was tolerable to walk in the city again, and so it was time to finally take care of important business.

I stood outside the Santalune City Gym, trying to talk myself into entering. I grew up in Santalune City, and I'd been to the gym before. I had vague memories of an eighth-grade class trip, before I and over three-quarters of my class had left for our journeys. We went to see the art museum, though, not to see the gym or any battles taking place.

_You've been out here for ten minutes,_ Violet said.

_I know,_ I replied.

_Your leg must be hurting._

_Incredibly._

_Let's go in, then. It'll be okay,_ she said, nuzzling my leg.

I looked at her and frowned. _What if we lose?_

_Then we try again. Even if we lose, this will not kill us. Only give us more reason to be stronger._

I paused for a second and bit my lip. _I don't want to go back._

_We won't,_ she said quickly, almost cutting me off.

I sighed. Twenty minutes later, I hesitantly opened the doors to the gym. The top floor was a gallery of artwork, most of it the gym leader's photography. It was pretty, and maybe on another day I could lose myself in the museum, but I had to stay focused. I saw a sign that said "Entrance to the gym down this hallway" and I followed it. Hung up on the wall were pictures of all of Viola's pokemon. I saw a Yanmega, and a Volcanion, and a Scizor, and I started to hyperventilate.

_I have to fight those? Maybe I should get out of here._

_Breathe. Those are her advanced teams, for trainers farther ahead than you. You'll do fine. Think about the maze._

I slowly controlled my breathing. She was right. I vaguely knew what the theme of this gym was, from friends who left to take the gym circuit before me. It was a maze with a spiderweb motif, and it was supposed to test your ability to observe and make logical decisions. If it was easy enough for twelve year olds to get through it, I figured I wouldn't have too much trouble with it.

The hallway suddenly ended, and I saw a hole in the floor, with a fireman's pole leading down into it. There was another sign on the wall in front of me: "My maze lies below, and I wait at the end. Shore up your courage, sharpen your wits, and give me a battle to remember --- Viola."

"What." I stood there for a minute, not able to process this. I looked at my cane in one hand, and Violet's leash on the other, and wondered how in hell they expected me to get down to the gym.

I turned around and headed the way I came, hoping I could find someone and ask them what I was supposed to do now. I passed a boy half-jogging towards the gym entrance, and I dimly heard him say "Cool, a slide!" before I reached the lobby again. I frowned.

I reached a desk labeled 'Information' and waited in line. After a few minutes of waiting, one of the people at the counter waved me over. Her nametag said Margaret. "How may I help you?" she asked.

"How do I get to the gym? Like, I know how to find the pole to go down, but how do _I_ get into the gym?" I raised the cane and the leash in my arms, to make sure she could see them. "I can't use it."

She paused. I'm not sure she really expected the question. "Please excuse me a second," she said, and picked up a telephone. "Hello? I've got a kid here who wants to take the gym challenge and can't make it down the pole. No, she's not scared or refusing, she's got a cane. Mmm. Do you really want me to suggest that?" She sighed. "Okay."

She put a hand over the microphone and said, "He asks if you can just toss the cane down there and slide after it."

I gaped. I wanted to vehemently shout, _No, that's an asinine idea!_ but instead said, "No. I doubt it'd survive the fall."

"The floor is padded."

"No," I said a bit more forcefully.

"Yeah, I thought that wouldn't work. He wanted me to try, though." She uncovered the telephone and started talking again. "No, that's not going to work. Look, don't we just have an elevator or something we can use? I remember we had that girl in a wheelchair come a month ago and she beat Viola. Oh, it's broken. When it's getting fixed? You don't know?"

I grit my teeth. This should not be this hard. I'm obviously not the first person to come here and be unable to slide down the bloody thing.

Margaret hung up the phone. "I'm sorry, we don't see many challengers that are... like you," she said.

_I wonder why,_ Violet said to me.

Margaret continued. "If you take a left, you'll end up in the Silver wing of the museum. Right at the end is the exit challengers take after they face Viola. A guy in a blue apron will be waiting to guide you there. It's a few flight of stairs down, is that okay?"

I nodded half-heartedly. Stairs weren't my favorite thing in the world and they hurt more than normal walking, but it was better than a nebulous 'come back whenever the elevator is fixed'.

"Good luck," she said as I started to walk off.

The man was silent as he guided me downstairs. I tried to think about the upcoming battle, about what Raine and I could do, and how we could fight against Viola. The pain in my leg interrupted all thoughts of tactics, though. All I could focus on was that this hurt, and gods, I'd have to climb back up when the battle was over?

We reached what seemed to be a dead end. I looked more closely and saw a handle the same color as the wall around it.

"Stay close to me and don't make noise," the attendant said. "Viola's currently in a match. She will deal with you when she's done."

The passage closed after me. The attendant moved to the edge of the platform, as far away from the battle as he could get. I joined him. He seemed almost bored, and I supposed he was used to seeing battles like this on a regular basis. I was spellbound, though, as I saw the challenger's Lampent glide along the battlefield, dancing circles around Viola's Pinsir.

"How many badges does she have?" I whispered to him.

"Six."

I nodded and turned my eyes back to the battle. The Lampent preferred to fight from afar. She (so Violet informed me) phased into existence, threw a gout of fire at the bug, and phased away. The Pinsir dodged three out of every four attacks. He snapped his mandibles angrily.

Violet gave me a transcript of what the pokemon were saying. _He's calling the Lampert a coward, and daring her to face him head on. The Lampent is laughing. I don't blame her._

The Pinsir tried to catch his breath. The floor wasn't catching on fire, he didn't have any smoke to deal with, but hot air is just unpleasant to breathe. It makes your throat cracked and raw, your skin flake. Bug types were especially sensitive to that.

He didn't last for very much longer. He was a close-combat fighter. He was supposed to crush his opponents in the mighty grip of his pincers. The Lampent forced him to fight at range and he couldn't cope. I wondered why Viola kept him out, because she had to know he was frustrated and fading, but then I realized that she probably couldn't, and this Pinsir was the last pokemon she had.

I started to get excited because I was about to witness my first gym victory. It didn't matter that it wasn't my own. Here was concrete, rather than abstract, proof that it was possible to beat a gym leader. I smiled. The Pinsir fell a few seconds later.

When Viola handed her the badge, it felt like I was intruding on something intimate and private. The attendant next to me stifled a yawn.

The girl was directed to the staircase we'd come down on, and she practically skipped up the steps. The up and down bob of her pigtails was hypnotizing.

_Be alert,_ Violet said, bringing me back to focus.

Viola walked over to us and pointed at me. "Who's the kid?"

I stumbled over my words when I tried to speak. I closed my eyes for a second and took a long breath. I didn't want to fangirl and I didn't want to freak out. "I'm here to challenge the gym," I said. "To challenge you."

"The maze is over there," she gestured. "You're here. Why?"

"I couldn't slide down the pole, and they told me the elevator's broken. This guy got me upstairs and brought me here to see you."

Viola hmmed, and then sighed. "You're already here, I guess, and the other challenger is still lost in the maze. Sure, I can fight you, though it makes me uncomfortable you didn't make your way through the maze like you're supposed to."

_It's not my fault your gym is a mess,_ I wanted to say. Violet nuzzled my leg in an attempt to calm me down.

"You're cute, at least," Viola continued. "How many badges do you have?"

"None," I said.

She nodded, went to the far side of the room, and picked out two pokeballs. "Okay then. Let's make this a battle to remember."


	4. Chapter 4

As Viola and I walked to our spots on the arena, I tried to think about the possible pokemon she might be sending out. For the past two weeks, the pokemon center had been abuzz with newbie trainers sharing notes on their battles. She had at least five challengers a day, some of them right after the other. She couldn't just use the same two pokemon for each one.

Violet and I had sat down in the lobby of the dormitory and gathered information every night. Rather, I sat down with noise-cancelling headphones and pretended to read a book while Violet listened to conversations and we discussed them with telepathy. It was the only way I could stand to be in the middle of the noisy crowd without melting down, and the intel was important.

We figured out that Viola had a pool of at least ten pokemon, though it was probably more. I was scared of her Surskit and her Dwebble, because they'd be the hardest for Raine to deal with. Water and rocks were not good for my poor little fire type. I hoped Viola'd start out with something particularly flammable, so Raine had all her energy saved up for her second pokemon. Viola always finished her newbie matches with a Vivillon, so we didn't have to worry about divining what her second pokemon would be. I idly wondered how many Vivillon she had on hand

I heard a buzzer go off and saw Viola throw a pokeball. I threw Raine's in response. Viola's pokemon finished materializing first and I groaned as I saw the tiny blue water skater. Of all her pokemon, I'd dreaded her Surskit the most.

Viola smiled. "Looks like I made a good choice. Were you expecting something different?"

I grimaced. "I was hoping."

Raine turned her head toward me and asked, _Is this the pokemon gym?_

_Yeah. We'll show you around after we're done with the battle. It's pretty down here._

_You'll do great,_ Violet added. _We'll be proud of you whatever happens._

I was about to join her in saying something encouraging before I saw a jet of bubbles approaching Raine. _Run to your left!_ I might have sounded a bit more panicked than I meant to, but it took me by surprise.

I wondered how much of that surprise showed on my face, because Viola said, "Don't give your opponent free time to set up. They'll catch you by surprise. Be decisive!"

Raine ran on her stubby little legs and avoided the stream of bubbles. The Surskit had us on the run, and I expected her to press the advantage, but she didn't. I think she and Viola wanted to see what we'd do.

I considered my strategy briefly and was afraid I was going to disappoint her. It wasn't very decisive. I'd thought a lot about how to neutralize a Surskit, and theirs was probably the pokedex page I'd read the most.

_Throw the hottest gouts of flame you can. Make it so she has to keep moving._

Raine stood still and the flame on her back flared. A fast moving ball of fire headed towards the Surskit. I couldn't tell, but I think I saw Surskit secrete oil from the top of her head. They only do that when they're nervous. Excellent.

The Surskit barely dodged. She was on land, and couldn't move as quickly, so Raine at least had the speed advantage.

_I can't shoot something that strong again for a while,_ Raine said.

_That's okay. Keep firing, but make them as strong as you can without feeling uncomfortable. We want to keep her moving._

Raine nodded and kept firing. Raine stood still, the fire on her back flaring, while the Surskit glided around the arena.

"You can do it, girl. Answer every blast of fire with a barrage of bubbles."

The Surskit had more experience than us, and she could send out bubbles as she dodged, but they were unfocused and weaker than the first volley. The heat of the passing flames popped them before they got close to Raine. I wondered how much reserves of water the Surskit had left in its tiny body. She was small and far away, but I was hoping her skin was getting cracked and dry.

I was trying to play an endurance game, and this was dangerous. I was fighting a gym leader's pokemon, after all, and she must have been leagues more experienced than I was. I wondered how much of the job was judiciously holding back so their opponents could prove themselves.

_Pay attention, dear_ , Violet reminded.

I snapped back to reality and saw the Surskit was moving faster, and her body was practically glistening. She was dropping secretions from her body that I knew from reading the pokedex that were probably oil. I didn't know if she was running out of water and wanting to stay hydrated, or trying to go for an increase in speed so she could dodge better. Maybe a combination of both.

In any case, it was time to move on to the next part of the plan, the one that would either be brilliant or asinine. Violet, Raine, and I had huddled in our room at the pokemon center and tried to think of something better and failed.

_Raine, I think it's time. Get as close as you can and launch a huge fireball at her. If that doesn't work, aim again for the ground under her.._

Raine nodded, dug her feet into the floor, and sprinted towards the Surskit. As she charged, the fire on her back surged, and she let out a huge ball of flame. She hit the Surskit directly and her whole body lit up in flames. The Surskit glided frantically around the arena, then stopped and collapsed as her feet also caught alight. Viola got out her pokeball and with a flash of light, the Surskit disappeared. I hoped she'd be okay.

Viola looked at me. "Okay. Explain what just happened."

Before I answered, I signaled for Raine to come over. I got out a water bottle and let her take a few sips. I figured that she might appreciate the hydration after all the running around, then wondered if this was technically considered cheating. Viola didn't say anything, so I didn't bring it up.

"I read on the pokedex that Surskit secrete oil from the tops of their heads when they're nervous, and oil from their feet to glide along the water. I figured my best shot to win was to make your Surskit exhaust itself and cover herself with oil, and then hit it with fire and hope against hope that it was flammable."

"Half strategy, half blind luck?"

"I figured there was a 50/50 chance it'd work," I said. Then I frowned slightly and muttered to myself, "No, I suppose it'd be a 100% chance it would or wouldn't work, and I'd find out which once it actually happened." I shook my head as if to discard that thought. "But yeah, it worked, and I'm happy, and I hope she'll be okay."

Viola smiled a little. "She'll be fine. She's not too badly hurt, just a bit freaked out. I just hope you have a concrete plan for dealing with this little cutey." She chucked her second pokeball into the air and released a Vivillon with dark and light blue wings, with a splash of white in the center near his body.

I chuckled nervously. I didn't have anything more than a half-baked conjecture for this fight either. Again, I hoped she wouldn't be too disappointed.

"Are you ready?" Viola asked. I nodded. "Aquamarine, restrain the Cyndaquil."

The Vivillon immediately released a black cloud that homed in on Raine. Raine tried to jump to the side, but whatever the swarm was, it was faster. I saw little black things crawl their way up Raine's body and her movements gradually slowed until she was completely stuck in place.

_I don't like this feeling,_ Raine said. _It's a new feeling, and it's interesting, but I want them off!_ She flared the flame on her back in an attempt to burn them off. A small number of them seemed to stop moving, but they still hung on to her. Aquamarine kept creating more of them, and Raine kept getting slower, and I didn't know what to do. _Help!_ she cried.

I wanted to run over there and pick her up and cradle her in my arms. I wanted to return her safe to her pokeball and end it, and I felt a stabbing feeling of guilt that I didn't, because I also wanted to win. I didn't know what to do and I wasn't sure I could move. I vaguely heard Viola give a command to her pokemon. I wasn't focusing on her for the moment, which I knew was a mistake, but I couldn't help it.

_Calm down, both of you,_ Violet said in as soothing a voice as she could. _It'll be over soon, and we can all hug later. But right now either fight or forfeit._

_Raine, do you want to keep fighting?_

Raine kept trying to thrash and failing. The Vivillon flew straight above her and battered her with rays of strange green light, but it didn't seem to be doing much. I was wary of a death by a thousand papercuts, though. 

Raine asked, _We have to do this again if we stop, don't we?_

_Yeah._

_Then I want to get this over with now._

I nodded, not that she could see it. _Then we should continue with the plan, probably. Dim your fire as much as you can and try to release as much smoke as you can._

I took the water bottle in my hand and dumped a bunch of water on the front of my shirt, then brought the wet fabric up to my nose and breathed through it. I hoped the smoke wouldn't be too bad of a sensory experience. Viola looked at me like I'd grown a second head.

Raine released smoke from her mouth, creating a large column of black gas. The Vivillon jerked away for a second, curious. The flapping of his wings seemed to be keeping most of the smoke away from him, but it slowly built up around and on his body.

_How are you holding up, dear?_

_I'm okay, but I really want this to be over soon._

_Okay,_ I said. _Set the whole thing aflame._

Raine let out wisps of flame from her mouth and suddenly the whole column of gas ignited. The flame reached the Vivillon faster than he could dodge, and he was blown away by the sudden heat. He flapped his wings to restabilize himself and fed more oxygen into the flame. The layer of smoke on him caught fire and he jerked around in the sky, trying to extinguish the flames.

The fireball dissipated quickly, having run out of fuel to burn. The black things on Raine seemed to fade as the Vivillon tumbled around in the air, his concentration gone. Aquamarine was forced to land, at least for an instant, by the unsable air currents.

_Fire!_ I said, and Raine aimed a fireball at the perching butterfly. He jerked back in shock and then tumbled back as Raine quickly followed up with a tackle. Raine tried to hit him again but Aquamarine suddenly flew up and emitted a flash of light.

Viola clapped her hands together. "Okay. That's Aquamarine's signal that he wants a battle to be over. You can stand down now." Aquamarine perched himself on Viola's shoulder and she pet him softly on the head.

I blinked. I blinked again, the realization setting in. "Wait, wait, wait," I say. "We're done? We're done and I didn't lose, so..." My brain didn't believe the connections it was making. I half-fell half-sat on the floor and called Raine over so I could pet her while my mind was being blown.

"Just one thing first. Tell me what your strategy was."

This again. "Why do you ask?"

"Part of my job is assessing your skill as a trainer. Even if someone wins the battle purely with luck and sheer force, I can technically deny them a badge. Beating me is not the sole point of this exercise. Your strategy matters an extra amount to me because you didn't go through the maze. So go ahead."

I nodded and gulped a little, suddenly really nervous. Violet nuzzled against my leg, and I petted her softly. I tried to focus on how nice she felt as I spoke. "When I was out training with Raine, we were trying to see how much smoke she could produce. She sneezed and the whole column shot up in flames. We looked it up later and apparently smoke is little particles of fuel that havne't been burned. So I figured I could let a bunch gather in the air and then ignite it all at once."

Viola looked at me, eyebrow raised. "That seems awkward and convoluted."

"Well, if it was me and I had a flying pokemon, I'd stay in the air all the time. I'd probably be faster than my opponent, and why would I give that advantage up? So I had to figure out some way to hit you."

"We would have landed eventually. The point is to test you, not to be unfair."

"It's safer for me to overestimate you than not." A beat. "Umm, that didn't come out right."

Viola laughed anyway. "No, I get what you mean. How'd you plan for my team, though? There were tons of pokemon I could have chosen."

"Well, umm." I wasn't sure if I was supposed to say this. I hoped I wasn't getting anyone in trouble. "Trainers gossip. A lot. The past two weeks, the pokemon center's been full of people dissecting your team, and so we tried to plan for the most dangerous ones."

"In retrospect that was obvious." She dug into her right front pocket and pulled out a badge. "Well, here you go. Your very own Bug Badge."

She held out the badge to me and I gingerly took it. I still wasn't convinced it was real, and felt like it might disappear in an instant. I ran my fingers all over it, trying to feel every contour, the smoothness of the metal underneath my fingers, trying to internalize that this is ours, and we earned it.

Viola sighed. "You know, I really hate fighting psychics. You don't realize how much you end up relying on hearing the other trainer's plans until they're suddenly silent. Neither I nor my pokemon can react as quickly."

"I'm not a psychic," I said, confused.

"Psychic pokemon, telepathy, you fit the bill. Anyway, be careful. Dark types can disrupt the connection between you and your Espeon, so make sure you don't rely on her too much."

I nodded. The thought made me nervous, but I didn't want to think about it right now. I wanted to ride the high of winning as long as I could.

"May I pet her? I don't get to see many psychic types at this gym." Viola asked. Violet nodded, and so I nodded. Viola explained how to use a TM as she scritched Violet behind the ears.

"Where are you headed to next?"

"Lumiose, I think. Snowbelle is farther away, and there's nothing I need beyond Santalune Forest."

"Good luck. I'd invite you to stay for longer, but I think I see the next challenger coming. You know where the exit is, right?" I nodded. She smiled. "Come back when you've got all eight badges and I'll give you a rematch!"

I smiled and started to head to the stairs. Part of me wanted to wish the challenger good luck, but I was burnt out on social interaction. I left as quietly as I could back up the stairs and tried to focus on the warm fuzzy feeling of happiness, rather than the stabbing in my leg.

After a quick dinner, Violet, Raine, and I retreated to our room at the pokemon center. Snuggled under the blankets, we felt each other slowly relax as we drifted towards sleep. It'd been a good day.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up mid-dream. In the pre-dawn darkness, my ragged breathing echoed off the bare walls. It took me a second to remember where I was: a threadbare room in a pokemon center, identical to the other six on this floor. I wasn't at home, under oppressively heavy blankets, trapped in a room without a door. Violet was here with me. Raine was here with me. I was safe; as safe as I could be while staying in this city, at least.

I wanted to leave Santalune behind me, but there was one more thing I needed to do first. I left the center early and took the bus to the outskirts of the city. After saying 'thank you' to the driver, I stepped off the bus and started walking toward the forest. I found a clearing on the outskirts of the forest, close to a large pond.

I let Raine out of her pokeball and she started waddling around. _Stay close, and call us if you need to, but feel free to go have fun,_ I said. She found a group of Bunnelby to talk to and I left her to it.

I faced the lake and waited. The breeze was cool and the sun was mostly hidden under clouds. I wondered if it would rain. I wanted to get this over with and leave the city, but I was waiting for pokemon to appear, and I didn't want to scare them off. I had to be patient. I held my gym badge in my hands and felt the smooth metal of it while I talked to Violet.

_What do you think about Raine?_ I asked. It was a loaded question, and I wished it weren't so.

Raine was cute, she was curious, she got excited really easily, and she made me smile. I liked her, but every once in a while, I still had to get used to the fact that she was around. She was new, and very obviously so.

_She is warm to sleep with at night. With her here, you don't cling to me as desperately anymore._

_Do you miss that?_

_No._

I nodded. I changed the topic slightly. _She's new, and it hurts not to be able to spend as much time with her as with you._

_It has been two weeks. Things will get better with time._

I nodded and pet Violet and waited. About twenty minutes later, Raine came over holding something in her paws. She spread out a bunch of flowers she'd picked in front of me, in all different colors, and said, _Look what I found!_

I smiled. _Which is your favorite?_

_The red one._ She pointed to a flower with small red petals and a black center. I looked at her, wanting to tuck it behind her ear, before realizing she didn't have an ear like I did.

I tucked it behind my ear instead. _There. I'll wear a flower that you picked for me, if that's okay with you._

She nodded and tackle-hugged me, and I pet her softly on the head. Towards the other side of the pond, I spotted a large group of Azurill, Marill, and Azumarill playing in the water, and the sight set my heart started racing.

_They're here!_ I said that with maybe more excitement than was strictly needed.

Raine poked me with her snout. _Who's here?_

_Our new team member, I hope. Violet, how should we do this?_

She got up and flicked her tail with a deliberate laziness. _I'll go talk to them, I suppose. I'll be back in a bit._

I picked Raine up fully and put her in my lap so I could pet her and forget about my pounding heart. _Violet and I talked for a long time before I became a trainer. She and I saw my uncle capture a Pikachu once. The Pikachu had wandered away from her family's nest when the three of us found her. Violet and I were listening to what she said as the battle dragged on and it... wasn't fun. She was really unhappy for a long time after she was caught._ I shifted uncomfortably. _Violet and I remember that day really clearly, and so we promised each other only to take pokemon with us that wanted to come. So she's trying to see if any Azurill want to come with us._

_Why only an Azurill?_

_Mm. We wouldn't object to any others. It's just that Azurill are cute._

A few minutes later, Violet called me over to the pond. I wanted to keep holding Raine, but I couldn't support her weight with one arm, so I set her down to walk alongside me. I felt a multitude of eyes staring at me as I walked and I wanted to shrink away, but I couldn't. I tapped the index finger and thumb of my free hand softly in the rhythm of one of my favorite songs, hoping the rhythmic touch would keep me calm. The ground close to the pond was muddy and soft, and it made manouvering with a cane difficult.

I reached Violet and stood next to her. Violet looked at me. _The elder Azumarill wants to speak with you. Are you okay with that?_

I nodded. I dimly noticed an Azurill come up to Raine and start what I assumed was a conversation. I wondered if they could understand each other, or if Violet was mediating between them as well. A second later I heard a new voice in my head and I came back to the situation at hand.

_We have fought valiantly the last few weeks, but we have lost a fifth of our members to trainers. I will not allow you to break apart another family._

I nodded. I was about to say 'I understand. Thank you for your time.' but then the Azumarill continued.

_We have a child here whose parents and brother were taken. She has no more family, and no other family can take her in. Left alone, she will die. Her best chance at survival is to go with you._

_Does she want to come?_

_No. She will fight, and she will scream, but she must go with you anyway._

A shiver ran down my spine. Nonono, this is not what I wanted. No, I wanted to find a partner, to find a friend, not... this. I wanted to get out of there, to run, but at some point they had surrounded us. I looked at Violet and she was tense. _This isn't what we came here for,_ I heard her snarl.

The Azumarill turned toward Violet. _I will not let her die. I will attack you, and I will attack your friend, until your human takes Rini. This is our home, and you do not have the element of surprise._

I couldn't think. I didn't know what to do. Maybe a smarter trainer could have talked her way out of this, maybe a stronger trainer could have fought her way through, maybe a less sentimental trainer could have caught a pokemon the normal way, but for me there was no way out. My legs felt weak and I thought I would fall. I put more pressure on the cane, tried to hold myself up with it, and it slipped in the mud. I fell down on my side and cried out and almost crushed a Marril under me. I was dazed for a second and felt Violet slowly lifting me back up with telekinesis.

I had everyone's attention now. I heard Raine squeak in surprise and she came over to me. I heard her speak over the telepathic link but the words meant nothing. My thoughts were racing. I didn't want to take the Azurill without her consent, I didn't want to hear her cries every night as I tried to sleep, I didn't want to see the half-hearted way she'd eat and walk and practice battling until the hurt faded. I didn't want to see Raine lying prone on the muddy ground, knocked into unconsciousness by blasts of water that just wouldn't end until they battered her down and she stopped moving. I didn't want to see Violet...

I took a pokeball from my pocket and it expanded in my grasp. _Where is she?_

The elder's tail thumped on the ground angrily. _You are too weak. She will die with or without you!_ A jet of water hit me in the face. I tried to get the water out of my eyes.

I heard a bunch of sounds to my left I couldn't identify. When I could see again, I saw the entire herd of pokemon skating across the water, minus one. An Azurill stood in front of me, rocking back and forth on her tiny little feet. I wondered what she wanted, and a part of me bitterly wondered if she wanted to finish us off when her elder wouldn't.

Violet nudged me softly with her head. _She wants to talk to you._

_Because the last time worked so well?_ I scoffed. I looked at her rocking on her tiny little feet. I thought she was adorable. I wondered what she was thinking. I wondered why she wasn't gone. I sighed. _Fine._

_You were all talking about me, weren't you?_

_Is your name Rini?_

_Y-yes. I knew it. Everyone looks at me weirdly when they think I don't notice. Every night since my parents are gone, they make me sleep with a different family. My friends don't want anything to do with me. Why!?_

I sighed. The mud was starting to dry and it felt awful on me. I wanted to leave. She'd already caused me enough trouble. I felt myself flagging and I'd run out of energy to speak soon. Her family hurt her, though, and she wanted to know why. I had a soft spot for that. _They wanted you gone. They said you'd die if you stayed with them. They can't take care of you._ I didn't know how old she was, or if she even really understood was 'death' was. Kids always know more than adults think they (we?) do, though, so I guessed she probably did.

_But why? What did I do wrong?_

Well, that was a question I knew intimately. _You didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault. It's never been your fault._

She cried and I was surprised by just how much volume she could pump out. She tried to speak in between sobs. _Did everyone want this? Did everyone know and that's why they acted strange around me?_

_The adults probably knew. I don't know if your friends knew. Sometimes kids act a certain way just because they see adults doing it._ I felt like I was faking my way to sounding wise, parroting lessons I learned from reading manga.

She didn't notice, of course. She looked at me and I wondered if she could see me with her eyes so full of tears. _What do I do now?_

_You could go back and try to convince them; you could wait for another trainer to come and try to capture you; you could try to go off on your own; or you can come with me;_

I waited for a response. I didn't know how much time had passed. I didn't know how far the Azumarill were, or when they'd notice she was gone. I didn't know how much energy I had left. I didn't want to rush her, but gods, I needed to get out of there soon.

She eventually bounced closer to me. She sounded tired and defeated when she said, _You._ I shooed thoughts about consent under duress away, got a pokeball, and tossed it at her as gently as I could. It clicked 'success' without a fight. Raine was incredibly confused, and I promised I'd explain everything later. She replied with a short, uncertain 'okay; I returned her to her pokeball as well. I trundled back to Santalune.

I spent an hour huddled under a blanket in my room, trembling over what happened today, trying to calm down.

Later that night I let Rini out of her pokeball.

_Where am I?_ she asked. I couldn't tell what her tone was: some mix of hesitant, confused, and slightly panicked.

I bit my lower lip. I really did not want to be having this conversation, and yet I had no choice. I couldn't not have this talk and still be able to look at myself in the morning. _In the city. In my room, at the pokemon center._

Rini seemed to sink into herself and become smaller. _It wasn't a dream, then?_

_I'm sorry, but no._

I saw her eyes tear up again. I wondered just how familiar a sight that'd become for me in the next few days, in the next few weeks; I didn't want to think past then. _I miss them. I miss them so much. My mom and my dad and my brother. Stupid Elan evolved first, and I was jealous, and I wanted to be big like him. Then he was gone. It's not fair. I want him back._

_I'm sorry. We can't bring him back,_ Violet said. _We can't bring anyone back._

_Why do you want me? I'm small. I couldn't help my brother. He was gone right in front of me, and then I ran. Nobody wanted me back home after he was gone._

I looked at Violet's eyes, just for a second. I couldn't stand to look at them for long, but they relaxed me. I was about to say something when Violet spoke first. _We don't have a family either. None of us have anything except each other. We want to be each other's family._

_You remind me of myself. I saw you and my reaction was to want to keep you safe and cared for. I can take you back in the morning, though, if you want. I don't want to pretend I know what's best for you._

Rini took a while before answering _No._

_It's okay not to be happy. It's okay to need time,_ Violet said.

I nodded. _I can let you be alone in the pokeball again, if you want some time to yourself. Or we can introduce ourselves, because I don't think we have yet._

_I'd like that,_ Rini said. _The last one. My name's Rini._

I let Raine out of her pokeball. _I'm Kira. This is Raine, and that's Violet. It's nice to meet you, properly._

We talked for a few hours longer. When it came time to sleep, Raine and Violet climbed into bed with me. Rini did so hesitantly. She started to cry. She cried about the loss and the missed potential of her home. I did too. Violet and Raine huddled up close to us and tried to comfort us with their presences before exhaustion overwhelmed us all.


	6. Chapter 6

Rini was crying. Violet and Raine were asleep. I think she meant to wait until the three of us were safely unconscious before starting to sob. I'd gone quiet and still, trying my best and failing to fall asleep, so she thought the coast was clear. I heard her tiny sobs and didn't make a sound. Maybe I should have, but I was more scared of trying and messing it up than of doing nothing. That realization made me uncomfortable. I listened to her cry, paralyzed, until her cries grew quiet and her body finally just shut down. I wallowed in my guilt until I fell asleep.

I woke up after a nightmare. It took me a second to remember where I was. I wanted to get up and maybe do something productive on the computer, but I was stuck. Violet was on one side of me, Raine on the other, and Rini was nestled in my hair. I didn't even remember her getting up there. I sighed. I wasn't getting up for a while. I tried my best not to move. It was early enough that the sun wasn't up, and I didn't want to disturb anyone. I might as well be the only one with insomnia. I let my mind wander and hoped I'd fall asleep soon.

I thought about the pokemon around me and smiled a little. To greater or lesser extents, they all wanted to be here with me. No-one was boss and we were all equal.

I felt Rini shift in her sleep, interupting my train of thought. I was lying to myself. She hadn't wanted to come. She saw me as the least bad option, not as a good one. I frowned. Even ignoring that, the main premise was wrong. As long as they were all in pokeballs, things would never be equal between us. I tried to reassure myself, to tell myself that I would break their pokeballs in a heartbeat if they told me they wanted to go, but I hoped that would never have to happen. They were - I wanted them to be - my tiny little chosen family and I didn't want anything to happen to them.

I couldn't fall back asleep. I couldn't reach my phone or pokedex, so I couldn't see what time it was. At some point after sunrise, I decided that I would just get up and not care who I woke doing so. Raine mumbled something but managed to stay asleep. Rini was woken up by me lifting my head to get up, and I accidentally pushed Violet off the bed.

She looked at me, irritated. I shrugged back at her. _You were on the edge of the bed. I couldn't have not woken you up._

She shook her head, like she wanted to say something but just didn't feel it was worth it. _What time is it, anyway?_

_Half past six,_ I said.

_Another one?_ She was trying to give me her best 'caring' voice. I really didn't want to talk about it. I nodded curtly. _They've been coming more often the past few weeks._ I wanted this conversation to be over. I nodded again. _Would you like to talk about it?_ I shook my head. _Okay. I'll be here if you change your mind,_ she said. She curled up on the bed and closed her eyes. She was asleep again in about a minute.

As I grabbed my laptop, I noticed that Rini sat and looked morosely out the window. It wasn't a very good view; there was a building directly in front of us, blocking anything else that could have been in our sight. I didn't want to tell her the window wasn't even facing in the direction of her to look at her pond. It was the intent that mattered more than anything else.

I looked up from the computer every few minutes to check on her. She didn't move. She didn't make a sound. I wanted to say something, to show that I cared, but the nightmare had left me too shaken to communicate clearly without Violet's telepathy. I hoped that she'd get me if she needed something.

The next few hours passed quickly. I read the internet and Rini alternately slept or looked out the window. Raine and Violet properly woke up at about eleven.

_Let's go get some food,_ I told Violet. I put on slippers and helped Violet put on her service vest. She grumbled all the while. I attached the leash to her collar apologetically and we head out. We went to the dining room on the bottom floor. People stared, though I'm not sure if it was because of my pajamas or because of Violet; I hoped it was the former. I waited in a short line to get food from one of the pokemon center nurses.

"So, you're still here," she said as I walked over to her. Her nametag said 'Mary'. I kept forgetting her name, even though she was here every weekday. I nodded. "I was hoping I'd come back after the weekend and you'd be gone." I didn't know how to respond to that. "There's a whole big region beyond Santalune, you know. What's keeping you here?"

I tried to make myself look small and shrugged. I hadn't been expecting a conversation. "Just haven't gotten around to it, I guess." I wanted to leave the city, but every time I thought about it, there seemed to be another reason stopping me: I had to train Raine, I had to get Viola's badge, I had to wait for the crowds to die down, I had to make sure Rini was stable.

"You beat Viola, right?" I nodded. "Well, if you beat her, you can beat the rest of them. You don't have to be scared."

I raised an eyebrow, suspicious of anyone who gave me praise for no reason. "What makes you say that?"

"I don't know. Just, everyone at the center is rooting for you. We don't get many trainers like you." 'Disabled', the word no-one wanted to speak around me, like it was dirty and not just a fact of life. "Make sure you don't stop pushing yourself. You have so much more in front of you." I gave a small nod, unsure of what to say anymore. I didn't know why people seemed so certain I'd backslide without their encouragement, as if I didn't have goals of my own. She placed three bowls of food on the counter. "Well, here you go. Food for you two and your Cyndaquil."

"Oh." I felt like kicking myself. "I forgot to mention. We have a new teammate. An Azurill. She needs food too."

She gave me an annoyed look. I blushed and looked down. She grabbed another bowl and started to head for the container with the right kind of food. She kept trying to do small-talk in the meantime. "When did you catch her? She's your first, right?"

I nodded before realizing her back was to me. "Saturday, and yeah, she is."

"Did anyone give you the pamphlet?"

I gave her a confused look. Her back was still facing me. I sighed. "No, no-one did. I don't know what it is."

"In the front lobby, and maybe in the dormitory lobby, the league has a few informational pamphlets. One of them is for new trainers who catch a pokemon for their first time. Maybe look through it. You might learn something." She came back to the counter and placed the fourth bowl of food down. "Here you go, then."

"Thank you," I said. "Let's go back, Violet." Violet lifted all four bowls of food with telekinesis and I saw a few people try not to flinch. I gripped Violet's leash tight because that was the kind of action that reassured other people that Violet was "under control". Even with her service vest, most people feared her. We walked back to our room as quickly as we could.

We ate. Raine made a mess as she tore into her food, which I resolved to clean up later. She came up to me when she was almost done, nudged at my food, and gave me the cutest look she could.

_Violet's been teaching you, hasn't she?_ Violet giggled as I gave Raine a bit of toast to play with. _I'm going to regret having done that in the future, aren't I?_

_You can have some of mine if you'd like!_ Raine said. Violet giggled even harder. I wanted to say something snarky, but she was just so earnest. I couldn't say anything. I just shook my head and smiled and pet Raine softly.

Rini walked over from her bowl shyly. I gave her my full attention. She didn't interact with us very much of her own volition. _C-Can I have some too? I want to know what it tastes like, if that's okay._

_Go ahead. Take anything you want._ I put my bowl in front of her. She took small bites of my egg, toast, and oatmeal. She didn't seem to hate them. Rini went back to finish her own food. _Thank you,_ she said softly.

I nodded. I wanted to pet her like I did Raine, but I was scared. I didn't know her as well, or as long, and I wasn't sure yet if that was something she wanted.

I put the bowls over to the side and grabbed my computer. _Would you like to watch something?_

Violet and Raine nodded. I put the computer down at the foot of the bed and the three of us piled together to get a clear view. Rini stayed near the window and looked at us confused. _What are we watching?_

Technology is still a mystery to her, I reminded myself. I didn't quite know how to explain 'watching a movie'. It seemed so natural to me. I bit my lower lip as I took a few seconds to figure out an explanation. _We can watch some people tell a story. It looks like it's actually happening, but it's not. It's not real. It's a way to spend time together._ That didn't seem to help. _It'll be more obvious once we do it._

Rini came over and sat on the edge of the bed. She was far enough away that she didn't feel fully part of the group, but close enough that it didn't feel like she was ignoring us. It made me uneasy. I chose the a not-too-long movie, turned on the subtitles, and let it start playing.

A few minutes later, Raine said, _What's so special about this? I don't understand what's going on._ I tried to summarize the plot so far, but she interrupted me. _No, no. There are sounds coming out but I don't know what they mean._

I frowned and paused the playback. I tried something. "Can you understand this?"

_You just did it too! I don't know what that means._

I frowned more. Raine nudged into my arm and said, _I don't think she knows how to speak human. I learned from the people in the lab who took care of me._

_I learned from the breeder who trained me, and then from living with you,_ Violet said. _She didn't have anyone to learn it from._

I turned to Rini again. _I'm sorry, dear. We can stop watching if you want me to._

Rini had small tears in her eyes. _No, I want to know what's going on._

I thought for a while. Violet then said, _Can you start the movie up again? I want to try something._

I hit 'play'. When there was dialogue, Violet read the subtitles 'aloud' in the telepathic link. I paused after a scene finished and asked, _Were you able to understand better?_

Rini tried to bounce a little on the bed. I kept my arm ready to catch her, in case she flew off; the bed was not the most stable surface. _That was fun. Can we keep going?_

Violet said, _Yes, as long as Kira helps me translate. I don't think I can do the whole movie._ I nodded. _I don't know much about it, but this'll hopefully let you learn the language easier: hearing how the words and sentences sound and are structured, and knowing what they mean from telepathy._

I nodded and hit play again. I read the subtitles aloud until the next big scene change. Violet and I alternated that way until the end. When the movie ended, Rini started to bounce excitedly again, higher and higher.

I got a bit nervous. _Be careful! Don't fall on the floor!_

She kept bouncing and giggling. _That was so much fun. Can we watch another?_

I thought for a second. _Do the rest of you want another?_ Violet and Raine nodded.

Privately to Violet I said, _Would you mind translating alone for a while?_

_Are you going somewhere?_

_Do you remember the pamphlet the nurse mentioned earlier? I think I'm going to go look it up in the lobby. I want to see what it says._

_Can't it wait?_

_I've never seen Rini be happy like that. I want her to look like that all the time. It hurts that she doesn't. Maybe if I read what the pamphlet says, it'll help._

_Okay,_ she said, unconvinced. _I can handle it, but come back quickly._

I put on the first episode of a tv show I'd already watched. I grabbed my phone and set an alarm for twenty minutes from now, so I'd be back by the time the episode ended. _I'll be back soon,_ I said before stepping out of the room.

I checked the dormitory lobby first, because it was closer. The less I had to walk the better. It was close to deserted; there was only one other person here. On one of the walls was a bulletin board plastered with sheets of paper of all different colors. It almost seemed to scream. "Lost Abra", "Looking for a Trade," "Train Your Pokeball Throwing Skills" - there were advertisements for everything.

On a table below it, there were some pamphlets. I found the one I was looking for, chose a chair, and sat down to read it.

* * *

If you've caught a pokemon and intend to use it in your party, remember these few things:

\- A pokemon's first few days with you may be difficult. Be prepared for your pokemon to be angry or depressed. Return it to its pokeball until the episodes pass.

\- Initially, your pokemon will likely not understand your requests and commands. Give it time to get used to human speech and learn a bit of our vocabulary and grammar.

\- It is dangerous and irresponsible to use a newly-caught pokemon in battle. It can be disobedient, unstable, and a danger to yourself and other trainers.

\- Let your party interact with each other as much as possible. Let the newly-caught pokemon see your team dynamic and give it many opportunities participate.

\- Be firm. Wild pokemon are used to a certain degree of freedom. Don't be afraid of disciplining your new capture. The pokeball is your greatest asset.

\- Remember to let pokemon center nurses inspect every new capture for infections or parasites. Your journey and training may be delayed if your pokemon needs treatment.

\- If your pokemon's temperament is too rough or unstable, the best thing for everyone may be to release it back into the wild.

\- Psychic and Dark types require special care to assimilate into a pokemon team. Do not capture them from the wild unless under the supervision of a skilled type specialist.

* * *

I put the pamphlet down. "She's not an it," I said out loud. I tried to focus on the rest of the advice - she's out of her pokeball as much as she can be, we've started to teach her to understand speech - but I kept focusing on that one essential point: she's not an it.

I crumpled up the pamphlet and threw it at the garbage can. I missed. I checked how much time I had left. Fifteen minutes. I might as well get back to them. Reading that was a waste of time.

I grabbed my cane and was about to get up when the other trainer in the room started walking toward me. He had a belt of six pokeballs on his waist and a backpack that looked completely stuffed. He had a small beard and I wondered how old he was. He looked older than he really was, but I had no concrete reason to think that. I checked my phone quickly. It was about 2pm. I tried not to be too embarrassed about still wearing pajamas and failed.

"You dropped this. 'You've Caught a Pokemon. Now What?' Are you the one with the Litleo keeping the whole third floor awake at night?"

"What? No, no, I'm not." I took the crumpled ball of paper from him.

"Shame. I was hoping to give them a piece of my mind before I left. Guess I won't have the chance." I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what he wanted. Was that a joke? Should I have laughed? I kept quiet. "Look, I need to go soon, but you're still a newbie, right? Do you want some advice?"

I nodded. I tried to get the words out, but they sounded soft and meek. "She cries at night. I don't know how to stop it."

"If you get in the habit of catching your pokemon wild, it's something you have to get used to. Everyone goes through that night when your new pokemon is crying, or trying to get away when she thinks you're not looking. No matter how good you are, no matter how kind you are, it happens. They learn to accept you, and then you have a friend for life. I caught all my pokemon wild, and they're my best friends. Pokemon learn fast, and recover fast. It'll be okay."

He checked his watch. "Well, the train to Lumiose leaves in half an hour. I've got to go. Good luck, kiddo!" He practically yelled those last few words as he rushed out the door. I checked my timer again. Thirteen minutes left. I sighed and started walking back to my room.

I took over translation duties from a tired Violet and watched the rest of the show with my team. When it was over, I grunted, shut the laptop lid, and sprawled out on the bed. My team surrounded me and I head three different variations of "what's wrong?"

_I don't know what to do. The last few days, I've seen you crying. You cry in the morning, and you cry at night, and I feel awful. I want to help and I don't know how. I want you to be happy._

Rini was uncomfortable and I wondered if I should just have stayed quiet. I gave her time. I waited and waited until she finally spoke. _I want to go back home. I want to go back home and scream and cry._

I really hadn't wanted to hear that. _You could. If you'd prefer not to be with us, you can go back and I won't be angry. None of us will._

_I want to go and scream and cry and then leave. They don't want me anymore, so I don't want them anymore. It hurts._

_I mean it. The idea of going back scares me, but I can take you there._

Rini pressed herself into my side. _Let's just go. Far away._

I pet her softly. _Okay, dear. We'll leave Santalune tomorrow._


	7. Chapter 7

We checked out of the pokemon center early in the morning.

Rini tried her best not to cry, as much as we reassured her that it was okay. She alternated between watching me pack my bag in silence and burying herself in the bedsheets. I couldn't do anything for her. I hoped some distance from here would do her some good.

Raine was excited to leave. She couldn't control the fire on her back from the excitement, and almost burned a hole in the pillowcase. _Where are we going? What does it look like? Can we see everything? Can I be out of my pokeball there?_ She asked questions faster than I could answer them. I didn't understand. She'd spent her whole life in Santalune. Yeah, we can (technically) go anywhere in the world that we want, but I expected leaving would have more of an impact on her. I didn't know why she didn't feel small and confused and lost as well as excited. Maybe I was just projecting.

I returned Raine and Rini, turned in my key to the room I'd been staying in for close to a month, and left the center. I headed to a park, though, and sat down on a bench in the most hidden area I could find. It was finally time to leave and I was scared. I didn't want change, but both Rini and I needed to get away from this city.

Violet came close, put her front paws in my lap, and looked at me with the cutest eyes she could manage. I smiled, broke out of the downwards spiral of my thoughts, and gave her little scritches behind her ears. She purred and when I was done, she asked, _Would it help to talk about what route we're taking? Talking about it might make it more real._

I hesitated for a second. _Yeah, I can do that._

Violet nuzzled me softly. _Did you decide how we're getting there? You weren't very talkative about this last night. Are we taking Route 4, or are we headed over by train?_

Kalos was connected through a series of trains and highways. There were a few routes of wilderness specifically maintained for wild pokemon, but the majority of people didn't travel through them. Non-trainers don't want to climb through miles of wilderness to commute from the suburbs to the city, or from one city to another, for their job every day. Trainers were really the only ones who frequented the routes, in part to catch pokemon and in part because "well, hiking the routes is just what trainers do, obviously."

_Route 4. It's one of the easiest routes to go through, and I'd like to be able to walk at least one of them._

_We don't have any camping gear and the route's too big to walk in one day._ 'Especially at the speed you walk' was the unspoken implication there. It hurt, but she was also right.

_The path connects to a lot of suburbs and small towns along the way. We can head out in the mornings and make it to another town by nighttime. We'll sleep at the pokemon center, and take rest days as we need to._

I could feel her skepticism bleeding through the psychic link between us, but she didn't voice it outright. I didn't quite know what to do. I knew it sounded far-fetched, but this was something I really wanted to do. I couldn't take on the frozen wastes of Route 17, or the badlands on Route 13, or hike to Connecting Cave, all because the terrain is too tough. There were so many beautiful things I couldn't see, and pokemon I couldn't meet without going to a breeder. I wanted to see something beautiful that wasn't just the inside of a subway car.

I sighed and stood up. _I can't stay here forever, can I?_

Violet didn't need to answer. I left the park, climbed onto a bus, and rode as far as it would take me. I checked my phone briefly for directions and once I was oriented, I took the walking path out of the city.

I put away Violet's leash and vest when we got out of the city and let out Raine and Rini. Raine walked next to me while Rini, after getting permission, rode on Violet's back. After a few minutes, Rini asked me, _Why can't we be out in the city? I want to see what it looks like._

_People get really scared about having pokemon outside of their pokeballs. If a strong enough pokemon has a tiny accident, then half the city gets destroyed. Instead of saying, "A Charizard in public can be dangerous, but a cute little Azurill won't hurt anyone", they ban all pokemon from being out unless they're essential._

_Oh._ Rini looked sad, and I realized I just implied she was her inessential. I wanted to take it back, but it was too late for that. She didn't comment on it, though. _What does a Charizard look like?_ I got out my pokedex and showed her the giant fire lizard. Her mood brightened up a little.

Route 4 was a long, wide path cut through a forest. Close to Lumiose were a large water fountain and large labyrinthine gardens you could lose yourself in for days — an attempt to keep the area tamed (and amenable to tourists). I wasn't anywhere close to that landmark, though. That was probably a few days away.

Two hours later, the four of us were roughly five miles out from where we started. As I walked, I noticed lots of trainers come from behind and overtake me. They walked and it seemed like they covered seven leagues with every single step. It seemed impossible for me to try to keep up with that pace.

A few minutes later, I suggested stopping for a while to rest. My leg ached despite the slow pace and the weak painkillers I'd taken before leaving Santalune. I sat down, placed my backpack on the ground, and got a water bottle so we could all quench our thirsts. I lay down on the grass to stare at the clouds, trying to push intrusive thoughts of ants and other insects crawling over me out of my mind. I tried to do cloud watching, but with every thing I said, either Raine or Rini asked me for clarification. _What's a Luxray? What's Prism Tower? What's a bookshelf?_ Eventually I stopped because I had no more energy for answering questions, and I resolved to show them the world around them more actively, somehow.

I felt nice and comfortable, with the sun shining down and the breeze blowing gently. I felt my eyelids getting heavy and I yawned. I'd closed my eyes for a second or so before I felt the sharp sting of bubbles popping on my cheek.

I sat up straight. _Ow! What was that for?_

Rini immediately cried out _I'm sorry!_

Violet nuzzled Rini gently. _Sleeping in the sun in the middle of June does not seem like the smartest idea. Hence asking her to wake you up._

_You could have done that more gently._ I cringed a little; it sounded too much like I was whining. Violet came up to me and started licking me softly. I played up my reaction. _Ahh, sandpaper tongue, sandpaper tongue!_ I giggled and squirmed as she licked me.

I heard Raine said _What's that?_ Violet stopped licking me and we both turned to look where Raine was facing.

A small Ralts was walking over to us. Young Ralts tended to gather around this area to play in the clearing. I'd never seen one this close, though. 

_What do you think..._ I started.

_They,_ Violet said.

_Thanks. What do you think they want? Are they wild?_

I checked my pokedex. According to it, Ralts only appear to people if they were happy or content. People always said that Ralts only showed themselves to people who are really special, and so I wondered what they were doing coming up to me. I didn't know if our resting and being silly had attracted them. As they got closer, however, I noticed they held a folded piece of paper in their hands, and those thoughts were dispelled. They were definitely not wild. 

The Ralts stood in front of me and offered me the tiny little note. I took it from their hands, afraid to be too rough with the delicate pokemon. I opened the piece of paper up and read it. "Hi. I saw you from the distance. You're the first trainer I've seen with a psychic type. I think that's really neat. I'd like to ask for some advice, if that would be okay. May I come and say hi?"

I didn't quite know what to say. I wasn't really used to people being excited to meet Violet. We were usually given a pretty wide berth when walking around the city. Positive attention from a stranger was almost disorienting. I turned to Violet. _What do you think?_

_We need to get to the next pokemon center before it's too dark. As long as this doesn't take up too much time, it should be okay. I can't pretend I'm not a bit curious._

I nodded. Turning back to the Ralts, I said, "Sure, your trainer can come over." 

I half-expected them to start shuffling back across the clearing to wherever their trainer was hiding. Instead their horns shone very briefly and then they sat down to wait. Telepathy was such an integral, intimate part of how Violet and I communicated that I'd forgotten that other people can do it too. It almost felt wrong, like they were encroaching on something important and personal, but I knew that thought was weird and possessive. I idly fiddled with a bracelet on my wrist and waited.

The trainer didn't take too long to appear. As he got closer, I tried to pick out details of his appearance. He seemed tall, but not as tall as me. His hair was short and straight, and some nondescript shade of brown. He wore a bland looking shirt and khaki pants. There was nothing distinguishing about his face. Faces on the whole were hard for me to understand or make sense out of; they all looked like grotesque, interchangeable messes. He got close, sat down with his legs crossed. I looked him in the eyes - or rather, I looked at his nose, or a few inches to the side of his eyes, because that was as close as I could comfortably get. I think he was doing the same, and it surprised me; I didn't know anyone else who avoided eye contact like I did.

He waved. "Hi. My name is Jasper."

"Hi. Kira. You said you wanted to talk to me?" 

He nodded. "I saw you had a psychic type, and I was curious. Umm, Eru and I have only been together for about a day, and I don't know anything about how to train them. You have a lot of pokemon and you didn't seem scary, and I thought that maybe you could help." He looked down and his voice was suddenly a lot less confident. "I can leave if you want me to."

"No, no. It's fine. I just don't know how much help I can be."

He tilted his head to the side. "What do you mean?"

"Violet doesn't battle. She's not allowed to. She's an emotional support pokemon. There's not really many battling tips we can give you. At most, we can give you some training exercises."

I expected him to grimace, or look away, or get up. The typical reaction to finding out Violet doesn't battle was pity. People didn't dare say it to our faces, but everyone thought one of two things: either that if she doesn't battle, what good is she; or alternately, that she must be miserable taking care of me instead of getting to battle other pokemon. I expected him to sit here until he found a good excuse to go.

He didn't, though. His eyes seemed to twinkle and he smiled wide. When he spoke, he gestured more with his hands. "Oh, wow, really? I'm jealous. I wanted a service pokemon growing up."

"What?"

His voice got quieter for a bit. "My mom always said one'd attract too much attention, and I could get by without one. It's part of why I was so excited Eru chose me when I got my pokedex yesterday."

"Wait. You and Eru met, defeated Viola, and left the city in a day? It took us almost three weeks to do all of that. That's really impressive."

He blushed and looked down. "We... We didn't quite do that. We'll take Viola on later. Way, way later. I just needed to get out of Santalune as soon as I could."

"Oh."

"It's, umm. My parents." He tried to stammer an explanation, but I cut him off.

"It's okay," I said. "Yeah, I understand." Part of me wanted to give him a hug, but he was also almost a complete stranger. It'd be weird.

He nodded and stopped. We sat in silence for a few minutes. I fiddled with my bracelet; he rocked very slightly back and forth. Jasper broke the silence first. "C-Could I ask you for a favor?"

"What is it?"

"Would you mind having a pokemon battle? It'd be our first."

Raine came over to me, jumped into my lap, and started licking my hand.

_Oww. Don't press there, that hurts,_ I said. She readjusted herself and went back to licking my hand. I couldn't help but giggle.

_Sorry! A battle would be exciting, though. Could we, please?_

Rini bounced close and looked at me. _What's going on?_

Right, she couldn't understand me when I spoke. I assumed that Violet had been translating this whole time, but in retrospect, I had no reason to expect that; neither of us had said anything of the sort. I really needed to be more attentive about it. Violet caught my eye and I was sure she was thinking the same thing too. I pet Rini softly. _Jasper — that's the new person's name — wants to have a battle. Would you like to take part?_

_I don't know what battles are like. Do I have to?_

_Not really, no. I'm not going to force you._

_I'm curious! I don't know if I can, though. Can I just watch?_

I gave her a small smile — or at least what I hoped was a small smile. _Sure. That's okay._

I got my cane upright, planted it on the ground, and put weight on it to help me get up. I wobbled for a second but managed to stand. "Is a one-on-one battle okay with you? Raine versus Eru?"

"Sure. I've never seen how an Azurill battles."

I blinked. "Oh, umm. Raine is my Cyndaquil."

"Oh, I"m sorry. I just thought, you know, rain and a water type. The name would fit."

I nodded. "Anyway, we should give them some space to run around in."

"Right." Jasper got up and got a few yards back. "Is this enough?"

I nodded.

_Be gentle,_ I said to Raine. _There's no point in anyone getting hurt._

"How do we know when to stop?"

"We stop when one side asks for things to be over. Are you ready?"

He nodded.

_Get up close and use a lot of fire. Eru will probably be a lot like Violet, and we know how to deal with Violet._

_Okay!_

Raine moved with a burst of speed. She seemed to blur as she closed half the distance towards Eru. They and Jasper both jumped a little; I didn't think either of them expected Raine to move that quickly. It didn't really seem like she could on her stubby little legs, but she could attack quickly if she wanted to.

I expected Jasper would act like I did, and give his commentary through telepathy. Instead he said commands out loud and fumbled with his words. "Okay, umm. Try a Confusion attack!"

Eru's horns shone and a wave of raw telekinetic force flew out towards Raine. It was invisible and we shouldn't have been able to see it, but it hugged the ground and threw up grass and dirt as it moved. It didn't move as quickly as I expected it should. Raine moved with another burst of speed and dodged it easily. She quickly circled behind Eru and sent out small wisps of fire. I wondered if it was more hot air than fire, really. She could have sent out a lot more, but then again, it was only a practice match.

"Look out! Get out of there!"

Eru flinched for a second but didn't move away; they probably would have been too slow to get any meaningful distance. Instead they turned and fired another blast of telekinetic force. It was such a jerking motion that I wonder if it happened on instinct. The attack pushed a small amount of the fire back and managed to score a grazing hit on Raine. It took her by surprise. Regardless, Raine pressed her advantage and tackled Eru.

Jasper cringed. I didn't know whether he'd started using telepathy, or whether he just didn't know what to say. 

At the moment of impact, motes of pink light flew out of Raine and into Eru. Raine stopped and tried to catch her breath; she seemed more tired than I expected her to be. Eru twitched, the beginning of an attempt to get up again.

_Can I end this now?_ Raine asked.

_Go ahead._

Raine ran towards Eru, pinned their limbs to the ground with her own, and started to build up a fireball in her mouth.

I looked at Jasper. "Do you give?"

Eru squirmed a little under Raine. Their horns glowed and Raine flinched slightly, hit by a wave of psychic force. It wasn't enough to displace her. Raine growled a little and built up more fire. She opened her mouth just a tiny bit; I think it was to let hot air flow over Eru.

"We give," Jasper said.

Raine got off Eru, ran over to me, and started to nuzzle my leg. I sat down slowly next to Violet and let Raine climb on my lap. I pet her softly.

_Are you okay, dear?_

_Yeah, I am. I-I hope that Eru isn't too mad at me._

I gave her a kiss on the nose. _I doubt they are. They were the ones who wanted it in the first place. It's okay._

Rini bounced over and started jumping extra high. _Oh wow, that was really cool. Can you show me how to do that?_

Raine took Rini to the side and started detailing the process of building up a fireball. I looked at them curiously, figuring Rini would gain nothing from it, but she suddenly shot out a large bullet of water. _Ahh, don't hit me! That was really good, though, try again!_ I left them to it.

Jasper walked over to me and sat down in front of me. He held Eru in his arms gingerly. I passed him a few berries and he gave them to Eru to eat. Jasper looked at me excitedly. "How did you do that? Half the time when I try to give Eru commands, they ignore them because there's just no chance for them to act."

"It looked like you were silent for a lot of it."

"Eru and I tried to do telepathy as much as we could. Sometimes I got excited and said things out loud. Sometimes they just couldn't keep up the telepathy if things were happening."

"Telepathy is really useful, and it lets you say things faster and more clearly than voice. It takes practice, though. The more reliably you can do it, probably the better you'll be." He nodded. I kept going. "As for commands... I don't really give many commands, to be honest. Violet is smarter than me—"

_Am not._

I gave her a look and kept going. "Violet is smarter than me. Raine and Rini are at least as smart as I am. We all have about the same amount of experience, so there's not much I can add."

He nodded and went quiet.

_If you'd like, I can try to give you some training exercises. I made them up myself in the last few weeks, training with Raine._

I turned towards her. _Wait, what?_ I was confused until I realized she had been talking to Eru. _Oh._

Eru got up from Jasper's lap and walked toward Violet. She led them a few feet away to a tree they could batter with psychic blasts. That left Jasper and I alone, all awkward with each other.

"Could you tell me about your gym battle? How'd you beat Viola."

"Lots of luck, mostly. Luck and espionage."

"Ooh, tell me all about it."

I started the story at the morning of the gym battle and tried to tell it as accurately as I could. Close to the end, when I reached the part about fighting Viola's Vivillon, Raine and Rini came back over. Rini jumped in my lap and Raine started nuzzling Jasper's leg. He looked at me as if asking permission. I nodded and he picked her up to put her on his lap. She nuzzled him and he smiled. I finished the story.

I looked at my watch. It was almost noon. It seemed like time was slipping away from me. I didn't know how much longer Violet would take talking to Eru. I got some food out of my backpack, shared it with Raine and Rini, and ate. We sat in blissful silence.

About half an hour later, Violet and Eru came back. Eru gave Raine a look, not understanding why she was still nuzzled up on Jasper's lap. Violet gave me a tiny headbutt, asking for scritches, and I gave them to her. I asked, _Are you okay to keep walking, or did training with Eru tire you out?_

_I'm okay. We can get going if you'd like._

I nodded. I stood up with a bit of effort. "It's past noon already. I don't walk very fast and I need to get to the next town before it gets too dark."

Jasper stood up and looked at the ground. "D-do you mind if I walk with you?" I raised my eyebrow. I didn't know what to say. He continued. "I'm headed that way too — I kind of forgot to get camping gear — and I don't have anyone else to talk to. It's totally okay to say no, and I can leave whenever, but I don't want to be lonely."

I looked around the area, trying to avoid his gaze, and saw his backpack. It was tiny compared to what other trainers I'd seen had been carrying. "How many supplies do you have, anyway?" I asked, concerned. I didn't know if he could adequately take care of himself if I left him alone.

"I... I didn't really have time to get much. I have a few clothes and a computer."

"Do you have a compass? A map? Food and water for you and Eru? A tent?" He shook his head at all those.

_To be fair, you aren't very prepared either. The sum of your plan is 'hope to get to a pokemon center before the sun sets'._

I gave Violet what I hoped was an exasperated look. _Violet, now's really not the time._

"I can fix a lot of that in the next town. They're bound to have a pokemart. I just need to get there."

"Are you sure? I walk really slowly. We'll have to take a lot of breaks."

"I don't mind."

This was unexpected and I wasn't quite sure how to react. I looked at Violet pleadingly; I hoped she would have an answer so I would have to make the decision myself. _I like Eru, and you're at least slightly fond of Jasper. I've never been someone's teacher, and it's surprisingly meaningful for me. Your comfort's important, though. We can say no. We can kick them out whenever we want. No matter what, it won't be for long._

Raine was still in Jasper's lap, though she looked straight at me. I asked for her opinion and she said, _He feels really nice when he holds me. I like him._

I explained the question to Rini and she spent a minute in silence. Jasper looked at all of us nervously, eyes darting back and forth between us. I wanted to say something, but didn't know what. Eventually Rini spoke, _I don't mind if he stays. I don't mind if he goes._ She climbed up on Violet and nuzzled into her fur. She didn't want to be part of this conversation any longer.

The decision was up to me. I frowned. I took some time to think. Jasper opened his mouth like he was about to speak, probably to take it all back, and I interrupted him, decision made. "Sure. Everyone's okay with it. Let's get going." His eyes lit up and he smiled wide and I hoped I wasn't making a mistake.


	8. Chapter 8

Jasper asked, "So why is she your favorite?"

He and I had been traveling together for a few hours now. We ran out of the usual introductory questions really quickly — 'So, where did you go to school? What are some of your favorite foods?' — and had moved on from there. We'd spent the last two hours talking about our different tv shows.

I hmmed and tried to figure out the best words for my answer. I wanted to be precise. "I always thought she was the most honest out of all of them. She's loud, and she's witty, and I love her for that, but what I really love is that she's so honest. She puts herself forward all the time with so much earnestness."

It was going to be close to sundown soon and we still weren't at the next town. Jasper brought basically no food with him, and I had to share some of what I packed. I didn't bring enough for an extra human and an extra pokemon, so we were completely out of food, and we were almost out of water. I wanted to arrive, collapse on a bed in the pokemon center, and finally think clearly about how to prepare for tomorrow, especially if he stuck around.

I didn't know what to think about Jasper. He was still a stranger, but he was pleasant. His hands were always occupied, playing with whatever was on hand, and he laughed at his own jokes. He was earnest too, and I appreciated that. If nothing else, conversations with him filled the time — hiking the routes was even more boring than I'd anticipated.

"That makes sense," he said. He put his hand to his chin. "I think my favorite is Mar—"

We were interrupted by a scream. I couldn't tell what direction it came from, but it was close.

I jumped and gripped my cane so tight I almost overbalanced. It was embarrassing enough doing that at the pond; I didn't want to face-plant on the ground with someone else watching. The fire on Raine's back flared up to a height I'd never seen before and the air to my right side got uncomfortably hot. Jasper let out a grunt.

"What was that?"

I tried to get my breathing under control before I answered. "It sounded like someone screaming. I don't know why."

He looked at me, scared. "D-Do you think we should go help?"

I bit my lower lip. I wanted to say no. I very emphatically wanted to say no, and hurry on to the town, and forget this ever happened. It could be someone else's problem. We lived in a world where a twelve year old could demolish any arbitrary neighborhood if they really wanted to; it didn't seem too far-fetched to assume that some other cocky kid would leap into danger without even thinking about it. Let someone else get in trouble, get hurt.

At the same time, I also didn't want to lose Jasper's respect. He was a stranger, and we'd only known each other for a few hours, but I didn't want to disappoint him. I pictured the look of scorn he might give me if I said 'no' and a cold shiver ran up my spine.

Against my better judgment, I said, "Maybe Violet or Eru can tell how many people there are in the area? There might be others around who can take care of it more capably than us."

Violet softly headbutted my thigh. _Are you okay? I can tell you're worried._

_I want someone else to take care of this. I don't want to run in without thinking, and I want to make sure he doesn't do it either. I don't want to be alone again if I make him angry, though._

_You're never alone, dear._

Violet's voice sounded a little sad. I looked at Violet and didn't know what to say. Of course I'm not alone when I'm with her. She and Raine and Rini are just as much people as Jasper is. I just... I don't know. I had to think about it more, but now was not the time. I pet Violet softly and tried to push the thoughts out of my head.

 _Is something wrong?_ Raine's voice was quieter than usual. It wasn't curious or excited like it normally was; she sounded more meek and hesitant, like she did that first day we met, before her inhibitions faded away.

Violet licked Raine very slightly. _We don't know. I'm going to try to find out. It'll be okay, though, because we'll be together. Please be quiet for a second, all of you. I need to concentrate._

Violet sat down and closed her eyes. Eru was already nestled into Jasper's shoulder and their horns were glowing. They were already searching, and I really hoped they'd find other people we could shunt responsibility off to.

Jasper and I stood there in silence as we waited for our pokemon to finish scanning the area. I wanted to sit down so I could hold Raine and Rini close, but I couldn't just sit down and get up at will without pain, especially after a full day of walking. I stood still and tried to smile at them as they got up close to my feet.

 _You're not going to like what I found,_ Violet said after a bit of time.

My heart sank. It sank further when Jasper said, "There's no one else around, not for miles, I don't know and there's a powerful pokemon close by. He's going to die if we don't help. We have to go help."

"He?"

"That's what Eru said."

He paused. I think he was looking for validation. He rocked back and forth like he was anxious. I tried to stall for time. Jasper might have thought this was the right thing to do — and it might actually be the right thing to do — but I was still scared. "I'm sure you've asked Eru for consent" — he flinched — "but I haven't talked to my team about it. I need to make sure they're okay with it."

 _What's going on?_ Rini said. She sounded scared and confused. I realized that all my talk about consent was meaningless if they didn't have enough time to think and react to the situation.

Violet looked at Rini. _Would you like to jump back on my back, dear? It feels safe for you there, I think?_

Rini didn't answer. She just got on her tail and bounced a few times to get to a good height before landing on Violet's back. She nuzzled Violet with her tail. _It does._ She sounded a bit better. _What's going on?_

Raine nuzzled my leg and looked up at me, like I had all the answers. I sighed and said, _Someone's in trouble. That's what that sound was. We could help. We don't have to._

 _Why wouldn't we help?_ Raine asks, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. To her it probably is.

_Noted. Violet?_

Violet took a second before answering. She flicked her tail and said, _The pokemon threatening that trainer is a Gardevoir. I don't know why she's upset, but an angry, possessive Gardevoir is one of the most dangerous pokemon to deal with. I want to help, but I care more about keeping you safe._

That didn't sound right. I'd met a Gardevoir in the past and that sounded nothing like him. I was confused and I fumbled for my pokedex to double-check what Violet said. I flipped to Gardevoir's entry and started reading. "Gardevoir have the ability to see the future. They are intensely protective of their families; they will attack with all of their telekinetic power to protect their partners, their young, or their trainer. For this reason, they are incredibly dangerous and it is heavily advised never to attempt to capture any member of this evolutionary line in the wild or to disturb their habitats."

_What's going to happen to him?_

_Do you really want to know?_ I glared at her until she continued. _I could feel he had some occupied pokeballs, though I have no idea what's in them. If they could fight the Gardevoir off, they'd probably have done so already._

 _So Jasper wasn't overreacting._ I finished. _They'll probably die if we don't help them._

_We'll probably die if we do help them._

Everything seemed more complicated. I knew it wasn't, really. I was just catching up, and slowly at that. All of my justifications were slowly falling away. I tried to think about leaving anyway and my mind just showed me a bloody mess on the ground surrounded by broken pokeballs. I tried to change the view and my brain showed me a silhouetted image of two adults crying. I resented it; I didn't even like parents to begin with. I tried again to change the image again and I saw two bloody streaks on the ground and barely recognizable limbs strewn along with the pokeballs, because Jasper might die too if the Gardevoir was that dangerous.

I looked at Rini, hoping for some reason she'd say something delightfully insightful and we could all come out of this safe. She paced back and forth on Violet's back. I stood there silent, waiting for her to respond. Time moved so slowly, and with every second that went by all I could think of was that bloody smear on the ground. The image wasn't even real and I was angry at myself for being so affected.

Rini faced away from me when she spoke. _I don't know. I don't want to make a decision. This is too scary. Please choose something._

After a second or two, I nodded. I wanted her to pick, I wanted her to say something, because maybe that'd save me from doing it. She was bowing out, though, and I couldn't be angry since I was trying to defer my decision too. I wanted to think more about it, but a voice in the back of my head kept screaming "deliberation is not a free action!" I tried to keep it short. I realized that Violet was here offering me a way out, and I wasn't immediately taking it. It felt repulsive; whenever I tried to think about walking away, my brain would call up all these gruesome images and yell at me why it was _wrong_ and _cowardly_. 

I looked at Violet. _Would you really object if I went with Jasper?_

_I'd try to talk you out of it, vehemently. I'm talking with Eru, and they're trying to convince Jasper._

_I'm not any better than that trainer is. There's no reason I deserve to live and he doesn't._

_One trainer death is an accident. Two or three is a tragedy._

_You talk about it like it's inevitable!_

_It is, but yours isn't!_

My hands were shaking and my eyes were closed tight to keep the tears in. Here was a life and death situation and I was still worried about not looking pathetic in front of my traveling companion, however long that was going to last. It was pathetic. I fought off those thoughts while searching for something to say to Violet.

My thoughts were interrupted by Jasper. "You're taking too long. I'm going to go help him." I opened my eyes. Jasper clutched Eru tight to his chest and looked directly at me with a look I couldn't parse. I couldn't go with him — not yet, not before Violet agreed. He sighed and took off running.

 _Please, Violet, we have to go help. I need your consent to do this._ "Consent under duress is not consent," the sensible part of my brain reminded me, and I needed it to shut up quickly.

_No. If it'll keep you safe, no._

I fell to the ground, trembling a little. _What kind of a person am I to let them go?_

Violet didn't answer. She came up close and nuzzled me. Raine and Rini followed her lead. I didn't even know if they could hear the conversation between me and Violet. The weight and the warmth should have felt pleasant, but I was sticky from sweat and my eyes were burning.

I pushed them off. _I want to be alone for a while,_ I said, picking myself up. I looked at Violet and clarified, _Actually alone._

Violet started, _Don't go—_

_I won't. I promise. You know I'm bound by my promises._

Violet didn't respond. None of them said anything. I returned them to their pokeballs, Violet last.

I sat there, wondering what to do. The next pokemon center was a mile away. I wanted to throw my cane away and walk the last mile without it. I wanted it to hurt. It took me a few minutes to stamp down the thought. I started walking.


	9. Chapter 9

I was drenched with sweat and my mouth felt like a desert. It was half past seven and the sun still hung in the sky, taunting me. It was a few days until the solstice; soon the days would start getting shorter instead of longer, but that wasn't much comfort now. My right leg burned and I was sitting down on a bench to try to relieve it. I'd reached the first of the tiny stepping stones in between Santalune and Lumiose — a little place called Mayelie Town — an hour ago, and I was looking forward to lying down on a bed and resting.

I checked my phone. Fifty minutes until the next bus arrived. Twenty minutes of walking to get to the pokemon center. I rested for fifteen minutes, browsing the internet until my phone hit 15% battery, and then started walking again.

I turned onto the main street and started walking. There was a smattering of people in the streets. I passed by thrift shops, bookstores, restaurants. There was a small part of me that was excited, but I was in an unfamiliar town and Jasper could have been dead for all I knew. I just wanted to get inside and hide.

The pokemon center was about fifteen minutes away now, according to my phone. I pressed the button at a pedestrian crossing and stood at the street corner, waiting for light to turn on.

"Hey," I heard someone say.

I looked to my side and saw a kid walking toward me. I think they looked about my age, but I was awful at estimating that. They had really light skin, significantly lighter than mine. They were dressed fairly androgynously, with a loose fitting tank top and shorts. The only thing that looked odd about them was their bright orange hair, with pigtails that looked almost like wisps of fire. It looked weird and artificial on them.

"Are you heading to the pokemon center?"

I looked at them confused. "How did you—"

"Your belt. Most trainers keep their pokeballs there. You look rough, too, like you just came from walking a lot. Do you mind if I walk with you?"

There was a weird sound, almost like rattling. It was coming from the button I'd just pressed. I looked across the street and saw that the crosswalk light was telling me to walk. I tried to think of something to say quickly. "I guess? If you're a trainer, you can go to the center without me."

I started walking across the street and they followed me. "I know, but I'd like to talk to you." Their tone was almost playful. It made me uneasy, and I started walking a tiny bit faster.

"I'm out here doing an errand for my family," they said. "My name is Micha. What's your name?"

I looked away from them and tried walking even faster. It wasn't actually much of an increase in speed. I was still exhausted. They caught up with me effortlessly.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to answer that."

I tried to take a deep breath before talking. "What does your errand have to do with me?"

"They want me out here, talking to trainers, telling them about us. It won't take up too much of your time. It's really short."

I closed my eyes and tried to focus. I didn't know why, but it felt like my words were failing me. I took out my phone, just to make sure I was going on the right path — it was pointless anxiety, since it was just a straight shot there — and took that as an opportunity to gather my thoughts. After a few seconds, I said, "I'm not really interested in joining anything. I'm still not convinced you're not here to mug me." I reached my right hand down to my belt when I said that last part and held Violet's pokeball in my grip, to comfort myself. It was an empty threat, but I hoped it would scare them off. I just wanted to be alone.

"Whoa, there's no need for that. Look at me. No backpack, no bag of any kind, no belt at my waist. My pokemon aren't with me."

I looked at them and actually tried to pay attention to what they were wearing. Light greenish-blue top with a faded star design, shorts the same color, shoes, and nothing else. It felt weird. "What happened to them?" I asked.

They looked some combination of angry and sad. The look stayed on their face only for a few seconds. As their face returned to normal they said, "My family is holding them. They're training them for me."

"I'm sorry," I said.

They cocked their head and looked at me more intently. "How come?"

"You seem really sad about it. Will you see them again? I hope you get to soon. Friends shouldn't be separated like that."

A beat, and then another. "Thank you. I am sure they are safe, though. My family will take good care of them, maybe even better care than I could!" They put on this smile that looked weird on their face. I doubted it was actually authentic. We walked in silence for a second before they said, "I would still like to talk to you about us, and what we believe in."

I looked at my phone. Eleven minutes away from the pokemon center. I sighed. "Go ahead."

"We're called Team Flare and we want to make the world a better place. I'm sure you've noticed it. People are cruel, and thoughtless, and hurtful. The whole world is ugly — all the art and architecture and people are ugly — and we want to make it beautiful."

"How?"

"We're going to fill the world with our beauty. We want to fill it with our books, and our fashion, and our drawings, our kindness, our happiness. We want to fill the world and overcome all the badness until it's all wiped away."

They looked at me. I think they were waiting for a response. Seconds passed and I started biting my lower lip. I tried to think of a response. "How do you decide what the badness is?"

"I don't know. Bad art, bad fashion, that's all beyond me. I haven't had time in the past few years to really think about it. I was always doing something else, you know? Bad people, though, I know all about them. I know them better than I know myself."

A beat, and then they continued. "I left home. I don't really want to talk about how or why, but it was awful. Really awful." I nodded nervously and hoped they'd stop talking. "I wasn't very good at pokemon battles. I tried, I really did. I didn't have the style or the killer instinct, but my Beautifly loves them. I stopped getting badges, and I stopped battling. I found some bad friends. I wasn't really a good person. But then Team Flare found me. One or two of us left and they gave us food, and clothing, and a place to live. They saved me, and they saved my friends."

I shivered. I wasn't good at battling either, I wasn't very smart, and part of me worried that they just described what my future was going to be like. The more they talked the more I felt almost sick — their hesitation, the way they carefully talked around their past, the defocused look in their eyes... I couldn't pick out quite what it was, and something told me I really shouldn't try to think hard about it. 

We reached another street corner, and I pressed the button for the pedestrian crossing again. They were looking at me and seemed to be waiting for me to speak. I wished they'd just leave, and I wished I could feel safe saying that I wanted to be alone. "Why are you out here? Shouldn't you be with your family and your pokemon? You don't really look like a recruiter."

"You're right, I'm not a recruiter. I'm not that official, or that trained. I'm just here giving my story to people. I want to be with them right now. I should be, and I'm trying, I really am. I want to help them change the world, but I have to do this first. I have to prove myself, and show Team Flare that I truly appreciate them."

"What do you mean, prove?"

"They've been so kind to me. It's the least I can do. It's the least any of us can do. There are so many of us who just joined, so many more out there who should. We've been asked to find people, people like us, who can join the team as well."

"What do you mean, 'people like us'?"

The light turned and we started walking again. They shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think there's actually words for it. I've never been able to describe it. It's just... people like us. Isn't it obvious to you?"

I shook my head. "No, it isn't," I said maybe a little too forcefully. "I don't understand." At least, I didn't want to. I didn't want to be like them, I didn't want to be like anyone. I didn't want to have people think they knew me, and I didn't want to be fated to have anyone else's future. I just wanted to be myself. I missed Violet so much.

"Don't you just walk past someone sometimes and think, _They're like me. I don't know anything about them, but something tells me they'd be safe_?"

"I..." I opened my mouth and then closed it again. I wanted to say 'no', but that wasn't true. I thought of Jasper. That vague feeling was the only thing that let me decide he could travel with me. I tried and tried to think of another reason, but I couldn't.

They put their hand on my shoulder. I recoiled. "I'm sorry. It's just... I know that face. I know what it looks like, and I know what it means. I'm sorry."

I looked at them and I had no idea what in the world they were talking about. What kind of a face was I making? I had no idea what my face was ever doing, so how could they know what I was thinking?

"That's the face you get when you're thinking about someone you've lost."

I felt like I'd been slapped. I didn't know what to say. This conversation had gone on for too long. I had to get out of there. I thought I could see the pokemon center's roof in the distance, but I wasn't sure. It was directly up the street, anyway, but with my leg I couldn't exactly outrun them. "I don't know that for sure. He could still be alive. He could..."

My voice faltered. Theirs didn't. "It's okay. Everybody tells themselves that they're still around. It's easier that way. Sometimes it makes us feel better. That way the people we lost, the people we care about, it's like they're just absent, instead of gone. We all want them to still be here. We understand."

I gripped my cane tight and stopped walking. I couldn't look at them. I looked down at the sidewalk and pretended there wasn't water coming out of my eyes. "No, I mean it. I don't know for sure that he's dead. He could still be out on Route 4. He could be at the pokemon center, right now. You can't be so certain about this. I'm not making it up this time."

"This time?"

I stood there. I didn't know how much time had gone by. I didn't say anything. I stood there, and then I started walking again without a word.

They kept up easily with me. "He's not the first person you've lost, is he?"

"Stop it," I said quietly, so soft they probably didn't hear me.

"Team Flare is full of people like us. We think alike. We love alike. Our lives have been full of all this pain and we can help each other. We connect with each other. It's why they seek us out specifically. They want to keep us safe. It'll be okay."

"You can't promise that."

"I know I can't, but—"

I almost screamed, "You know nothing about me. Stop assuming that you know who I am!"

They were agitated too. They spoke with their hands, and frustration dripped from every word. "You don't understand. We can help you. Do you want to stay alone? Do you think other people will protect you? We're together because no-one else cares. You think a normal will help you? How's that been working out so far?"

There wasn't a crowd yet, but I was scared there'd be one soon if we kept this up. I didn't care if this was the nuclear option and I didn't care how much trouble I'd get into if I was seen; I unclasped Violet's pokeball from my belt and held it in my free hand. "Leave. Now."

Micha buried their hand in their pocket. I was scared they were lying, that they did have pokemon, and that we'd be fighting in the middle of the street. Instead they dug out a piece of paper and dropped it on the sidewalk. "That's my number. Call me if you ever change your mind.

They walked away with the final word. I watched them reach the corner and turn out of sight. I put Violet's pokeball back on my belt, then picked up the piece of paper, stuck it in my pocket, and started walking again. I planned on getting to the pokemon center, releasing everyone in my room, and being part of a hugpile while I tried not to crash too hard. I was so tired.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for discussions of death

I'd been sitting on the bed in my dark room in the pokemon center for half an hour, fidgeting with Violet's pokeball, waiting for a bit of confidence to have this conversation. The confidence didn't come, but I couldn't avoid talking with her forever. I pressed the button on Violet's pokeball and shut my eyes. The bright white light shone right through my eyelids. 

The light faded and after a few seconds I opened my eyes. A pretty Espeon stood there, looking very intently at me. I waited a second, another second, but she just stood there.

She finally spoke. _Are you okay?_

"I'm fine."

_You just—_

"I'm fine, just. How much do you know? I-I don't really know what it's like in there."

_I don't know. I don't remember a lot about it. Time passed. I knew that things were going on, but it was so hard to pay attention. It's like I'm floating. I couldn't focus, except for when you held my pokeball in your hands._

"I'm sorry."

_That doesn't matter right now, love._

"I know you hate what it's like in there. I shouldn't have put you there."

_Triage, dear. I want to focus on something important. How are you?_

I took a drink from my water bottle, and then offered her some. She came close, lapped up some water, and stepped back to where she was. I frowned a little. "That Team Flare person — I don't remember their name — they were so insistent. They wanted me and I don't understand. They thought there was something special about me that— what _was_ their name? I can't remember and it's driving me wild."

_I don't know, dear. I wasn't there. Keep going._

"They were so insistent, but I was just numb. I can't forget about what happened."

_Jasper, you mean?_

"I don't want to talk about it."

_Kira,_ she said. Her voice sounded so soft. It was like an embrace, like she wanted to draw me in safe with her words. I drew in my legs close to my body and hugged my knees. I wanted to be a smaller target.

"I mean it, Violet. I don't want to talk about it."

_You know better than that._

"Please, just stop. I want to hug you and rest and have things feel okay."

She took a step forward, and then another, and another. She came up to the bed, climbed up, and started nuzzling my legs. _This won't go away. You know that it never does._

"Maybe it will. Maybe this time, for once, it will. Please stop bringing this up. Could you please do the pressure thing?"

I closed my eyes, laid down fully on the bed, and curled up. In a second, I felt a firm, comforting weight press down on me. I didn't have a weighted blanket, but Violet could pretend to be one with her psychic powers.

I don't know how long I just laid there, eyes closed. Violet curled up next to me, nuzzling my chest and purring. Slowly I made my way back to lucidity. I put my hand on her head and scritched her softly. It took me ages to get out, "What if he's dead? What if he's dead and I killed him?"

Violet shifted her head. I think she was looking at me, but I still had my eyes shut. Her voice was soft and quiet. _You didn't kill him._

"Yes, I did."

_You are not that Gardevoir._

"No, don't. Don't do that. Please don't be pedantic right now. Of course I did. Of course _we_ did! You said not to go and I listened!"

_Love, what would have happened to you? What would have happened to us? That Gardevoir was strong enough to wipe us out. If she killed him, she would have killed us._

"He shouldn't have gone alone."

_Rini hasn't had a battle. Raine's still a young Cyndaquil and she can't make that much fire. And me... I'm not allowed to battle, so we've been together for years and I'm still weak. Best case, he's still alive and he's looking for you; but worse case, we would have all died._

I had tears in my eyes, and I just didn't understand. She could hear the urgency in my voice, she could read my mind, so why didn't she understand? "He shouldn't have gone alone."

_So we should have gone with him. So we should have died too._

"No. No, that's not what I mean."

_Please stop thinking that it'd be better if you were dead. I'll never let you go alone, and you know that._

"Jasper's gone. Jasper's gone, and Miyuki, and Linden, and Adelia. So many people we know are gone. I'm tired of people leaving. I'm tired of losing people."

_It's not your fault they're gone._

"I don't care if it's my fault. I didn't want another one!" I sat up and pushed Violet away. Tears flowed without restraint and my throat felt raw and I didn't care. "Every pokemon trainer I know has at least one friend who almost died, one friend who's dead... I think I know more dead people than not. I didn't know it was going to be like this. Nobody tells you that there's no point in making friends because they'll all be gone in a week. Every teacher since I was seven has said things like _It's a tradition that goes back generations. It's a good way to find friends for life. It can give you glory and fame and financial security,_ but nobody says that it can get you burnt up and your ashes spread over your favorite route."

_What do you want to do about it? What can we even do about it?_

"I don't know. There's a voice inside me that's still ten years old and thinks getting all the badges would be the coolest thing in the world. I can't get it to shut up, no matter how much I want it to. I just want to keep everyone safe."

_We can't keep anyone safe if we're dead. We have to take care of ourselves first._

"Is it actually possible? We're small and fragile. We're small, and weak, and weird."

_Only the small and the weak and the weird care in the first place._

"Okay." I fell back on the bed and looked at the ceiling with my eyes out of focus. "I'm exhausted. Could we stop and snuggle and go to bed?"

_There's one thing I'd like to know first. Why have you been speaking out loud this whole time?_

I waited for a bit before answering. I wanted to make sure the words came out right. "Telepathy is intimate. I didn't think I deserved intimacy."

She licked me and I giggled. _Don't be silly,_ she said, _I love you._

_I know. I love you too._ I brought my hand down to my belt and felt the two pokeballs resting there. _Raine and Rini have waited long enough, probably. I should let them out and we should go to sleep._

She licked me more. _Avert your eyes,_ I said, and she buried her face in my side while the pokeballs opened.


End file.
